LIES PMS HAS TOLD ME

and will continue to tell me 4-8 days each month.
  1. You NEED to eat that
    Subsequently, it will not cause weight gain (1 box of cereal, a full chocolate hazelnut Lindt bar and 3 tacos later) bc you need to give into PMS cravings sometimes.
  2. Your best friend is secretly mad at you
    This type of secrecy is an impossibility for her.
  3. You are Fat
    What you see in the mirror when you have PMS is what you REALLY look like - you're just in denial the other three weeks of each month.
  4. Your dog has died and you're forever broken by this
    Lest you forget, in your earnest attempts to heal and become whole again
  5. You're pregnant
    Yeah, you're severely bloated, anxious, have sore boobs and are irritable as hell. You've also had Essure. This means NOTHING! Your period is 1/2 a day late and you need a preggo pee stick STAT.
  6. That was a backhanded compliment
    That was not an innocuous interaction, it was a veiled insult and you know it.
  7. You cannot Gym today
    You will fall on the treadmill bc your brain is broken. Besides: endorphins are a farce.
  8. You need all those (new bath towels, fancy bedding items, lipsticks, dresses, sale designer shoes) NOW
    Actually, you should actively seek them out and just put them on your Nordy Card because they gave you that crazy high limit. Besides, Retail Therapy, amirite?
  9. Your husband will die on his way home from work. Today. If not today, tmw for sure.
    Don't forget about your dead family! The universe is waiting for you to get comfortable, and will then snatch your only source of joy, leaving your life a stupid rotten mess forever - BBWWWAAHAHAHAHHAAAA!!!
  10. You Got This
    No, you don't. Go home, get in bed for 4-6 days and avoid any interaction with the outside world.
  11. Your fine/gross motors skills are just fine.
    Nope. You will drop everything at least once, run into door frames, try to insert a thumbnail drive five times before getting it right etc.
    Suggested by   @rulesofjinx