Real talk list, more jOKeS to follow I promise
  1. Poltergeist (1982)
    Deeply scary in a fun way. Nobody dies and just enough of the effects are corny enough to make it nightmare-proof. Bonus: features Craig T Nelson in max DILF mode
  2. The Happiness of the Katakuris (2002)
    It's a musical!!! How bad can it be? It's also deeply deeply insane. Hilarious if you enjoy the surreal. (Bonus points for being one of the only Takeshi Miike horror movies that won't make you want to vomit.)
  3. Paper House (1988)
    Might even be called dark fantasy, but very spooky at times. A little girl finds she can enter her drawings in her dreams, and the lines between reality and dreaming start to blur.
  4. Zombieland (2009)
    This is a guaranteed crowd-pleaser! Good for movie nights with friends. One of the best horror-comedies of recent years. It's gory, but not frightening. My mom can watch this, and she covers her eyes during Pirates of the Caribbean.
  5. Picnic at Hanging Rock (1975)
    Again, might be classified by some as dark fantasy/drama, but this is an intensely eerie, unsettling movie. Three girls and their teacher go vanish on a school picnic--where did they go? Bonus points for cute 'Strayan accents.
  6. Something Wicked This Way Comes (1983)
    Disney had this beautiful, brief period in the early 1980s when they produced all these exquisite, high-budget horror movies for kids. (The Watcher in the Woods is another good one.) Jonathan Pryce is great and it's wonderfully shot. Atmospheric and eerie, but not terrifying. Plus "Rick and Morty" on Adult Swim did a great parody.
  7. Pontypool (2009)
    I only included this because I feel like sissies are also nerds, and nerds love talking about linguistics. This is a zombie movie where the virus is spread through language and linguistic patterns and it's stupidly smart/good. The scariest movie on this list.
  8. Dracula (1931)
    You've seen it parodied enough already that any scariness is moot at this point. But it is still so so so beautiful and important.
  9. Coraline (2009)
    Spooky, imaginative, and a great match between a truly cool young protagonist and a monstrous creepy villain. Plus the animation is unbeatable.
  10. Night of the Hunter (1955)
    This is actually one of the best movies ever made, period. It's dark and dreamy and terrifying and incredibly affirming all at the same time. It's directed by Charles Laughton (an amazingly talented actor in his own right) but it nobody got it when it was released and he never directed another film which is such a tragedy I can't even talk about it. Bonus points: the source for those "Love/Hate" knuckle tattoos you see every once in a while.
  11. Heavenly Creatures: could be considered true crime dramatization, 'cept for those creepy claymations by Peter Jackson.
    Suggested by @videodrew