COOL NEW SERIAL KILLERS

  1. Kidzbop Killer
    Murders people in ways that are ostensibly clean and family friendly, but are actually 1000x worse and weirder than if you just stabbed them. (ie smothering someone to death with Beanie Babies, strangling them with Silly Putty.)
  2. Manic Pixie Dread Girl (aka The Etsy Executioner)
    A black widow type, she lures guys in with her big eyes and bruised knees and then serves them poisoned homemade madelines. Uses their guts to string her ukulele. Won't rest until her victims are as dead as this trope
  3. The "Male Replies on Twitter" Murders of 2015
    This guy waits until you are home alone to whisper an explanation for a joke you made at a party days ago into your ear. You instantly die of irritation. Carves the words "IF I MAY PLAY DEVIL'S ADVOCATE" into your torso
  4. Podcast Punisher
    You wake up, tied to a chair. A single lightbulb illuminates the face of somebody you vaguely remember from your college roommate's improv group. "We're going to play a game", he says. "I'll let you live...if you can prove you listen to my podcast about Nickelodeon Nostalgia!" Your screams are as unheard as his stupid, useless opinions about Legends of the Hidden Temple.
  5. The Worst
    Won't stop apologizing as she's butchering you. "I'm sooooooo sorry I'm the worst!!!!" She cries as she cuts off your fingers, joint by joint. "I'm just the worst, I'm awful, feel free to hate me :(" Stops murdering you halfway through because of an "unexpected work thing" and promises to reschedule. "I'm officially the biggest flake ON THE PLANET" she groans as you bleed out.
  6. The Serial Serial Killer
    Kills anybody who tries to bring up SERIAL in earnest in 2015. "THAT WAS LAST YEAR'S THING!!" he screeches as he swings the ax down.