KARMIC PUNISHMENTS FOR JONATHAN FRANZEN

Not a fan of the man
  1. β€’
    Being forced to ride in a sensible minivan forever with four unattractive, unintelligent, chatty, extremely happy and kind women. They only read books by Fern Michaels and their good cheer is inexhaustible.
    Anytime he tries to grump, they say "Well poots to you!" and laugh hysterically. They play a LOT of Shania Twain.
  2. β€’
    Every time he tries to speak, only emojis come out.
    Franzen: 😠πŸ’₯πŸš«πŸ†˜β‰οΈ Millennial Teen: Wow, Jonathan Franzen is one of us! Franzen: 😑😀πŸ”₯
  3. β€’
    Every book in his library replaced with a selfie!!!
    And every word in the dictionary replaced with an Oprah Book Club sticker!!!
  4. β€’
    His new books will only ever be reviewed in NICKELODEON MAGAZINE
    They gave FREEDOM 3.5 slime globs out of 5
  5. β€’
    Trapped as the protagonist of a shoujo manga
    "B-but Remnick-senpai could never notice me!! I'm so clumsy! And such a crybaby!" πŸŒΈπŸ’—βœ¨
  6. β€’
    Pecked to death by the birds he claims to love
  7. β€’
    Joining listapp