REASONS WHY COBB SALAD CAN GO FUCK ITSELF

There will be no pictures with this list because I am not a fucking animal
  1. Cobb salad is not a meal so much as a mealy-mouthed bric-a-brac nightmare of the most loathesome of foodstuffs
    It has the texture of Braille and all the damp visual charm of a nursing home dining room
  2. Much as there are apps to prevent you from drunk texting exes, there should be an app to stop you from ordering a Cobb Salad
    It could be called "Nobody Hates Themselves That Much"
  3. All Cobb Salads present their ingredients in enormous, Nokia-phone sized chunks. This is good because it increases the odds of the diner choking to death, as they deserve for ordering the lunchtime equivalent of Bosch's "The Garden of Earthly Delights"
  4. The name is wretched. Cobb Salad sounds like the name of the shitty, rich, prepster boyfriend in an 80s comedy who can't even win against a bunch of loser weenie nerds
    Or a hookworm-ass town in Missouri, population 67, where they have their own currency of Confederate bonds printed on groundhog jerky
  5. Cobb Salads always look vaguely unfinished, as if the chef literally was so disgusted by what he created that he committed suicide via egg midway through
  6. Cobb Salads present their ingredients in simple lines of bold colors, the favored aesthetic of idiot babies and despotic tyrants.
  7. If somebody brought Cobb Salad to my funeral, I would possess them from beyond the grave and force them to eat it all in one sitting and then die of disappointment
  8. If Jadis the White Witch had offered Edmund Cobb Salad instead of Turkish Delight, he would have turned the snow red with her blood and ruled Narnia 10000 years
    Actually TBQH that is metal AF so a begrudging point for ol Cobbers
  9. To conclude, an acrostic:
  10. C: RAPPY
  11. O: FFICIALLY GARBAGE
  12. B: OSNIAN GENOCIDE
  13. B: UTTHOLE SALAD