STRANGE IDEAS I HELD AS A CHILD ABOUT THE WORLD

Where did they come from?
  1. That it was spelled "bagina" and then "phagina" instead of "vagina"
    The Care and Keeping of You set me right at age 10
  2. That my brain was filled with candy and would explode like a piñata if I fell down on the sidewalk
    It was candy I could never eat, because I would have to die to get it
  3. That I looked like a beautiful and glamorous mermaid or dolphin when I floated in the pool
    Reality: A loaf of french bread in a Princess Jasmine tankini
  4. That when I balled my fists up against my eyes and pressed hard, the starbursts I saw were me traveling through time
    Understanding of time travel informed by multiple viewings of "Flight of the Nabigator" (which then became "Naphigator" and finally "Navigator")
  5. Michael Jackson's "Ben" was the most beautiful song in the world
    It is 100% about a murder rat
  6. If you get cactus needles in your hand, stick that hand in your mouth!
    Now you have cactus needles in your tongue and gums, idiot! This is the price a scientific mind must pay
  7. God looks like a friendly black man with a large afro wearing an old-fashioned doctor's head mirror
    I still kind of think this
  8. That music theory is straight bullshit and glorified babysitting and my time could be better spent playing Banjo Kazooie
    I still definitely think this