THINGS THAT MIGHT HAPPEN IF DOLLY PARTON WERE MY GODMOTHER (NOT MILEY CYRUS'S)

  1. Lunch on the terrace with Lily Tomlin
    On the menu: a frisée salad, crab cakes, beer. Banana pudding for dessert.
  2. Getting our colors done
    While Dolly is a true Spring, the Color Me Beautiful saleswoman informs me I am a "Humid Winter". This means I have cool coloring with muggy, mosquito-ish undertones.
  3. Whispered Nashville gossip
    Dolly leaves lipstick on your ear after she tells you a secret
  4. Reading aloud in the car
    The only way I can bear "The Goldfinch" (Dolly's favorite book lately) is when she's reading it
  5. A new charm for my charm bracelet for every birthday
    They're all covered in pink diamonds and are shaped like butterflies or horseshoes and they are horrible and I love them
  6. Wig parties