Can't wait to see these on every dude's OKCupid profile
  1. Tic Tac Toe
    Disgraced CEO Magnus Klanderhoff is making a list of his enemies—starting with you! His Pretty Young Assistant bites her lip a lot and has a boyfriend who is a Possible Homosexual. If she wears her hair up, Klanderhoff pulls it down and she blushes. When Possible Homosexual Boyfriend confronts Klanderhoff about his devious behavior, Klanderhoff smirks. “Maybe she’d wear her hair down for you,” he hisses, “If you weren’t so gay.” Possible Homosexual upgrades to Probable Homosexual.
  2. Graft
    Dr. Maxwell Graft is the most talented surgeon on the entire planet of Earth. He is also such a wiseguy! Pills rattle in his belly like a rainstick and his favorite band is U2. Neat-O! “A morbidly obese woman needs to have immediate, life-saving surgery? What am I, Captain Ahab? Man the harpoons!” Not even Uptight Hot Hospital Administrator can stop from cracking a smile at that one.
  3. Quark
    High-functioning alcoholic Kyle Quark moonlights as a detective, using his encyclopedic knowledge of physics to solve cases.He’s wicked scornful of the police he works with—they went to the academy and clocked field time, like rubes! “The body couldn’t fall from the roof, you single-celled autotrophic organisms,” he slurs, the whiskey threatening to burble over his lips like a Yellowstone nightmare. “A dribbling addlepate’s understanding of terminal velocity could have told you that." Big words!
  4. Bailout
    Coltish Young District Attorney needs help solving the Embezzlement Murders of Backwater Bay! Who better to help her than former Embezzlement Murderer, convict Jack Jackjohn? “This is seriously dangerous," stammers Sweaty Impotent Intern. “I know,” sighs Coltish Young District Attorney. “But what choice do we have?” “Dozens. Dozens of choices. During the debriefing he said and I quote, ‘I fully intend to commit 1000 more Embezzlement Murders." “Oh Sweaty Impotent Intern. Learn to take a joke!"
  5. Free Badicals
    A loner in a fly hat skateboards across the entire inner city. “Drug dealing’s for squares,” he chuckles, scattering pills like a pharmacological Easter Bunny. “Stay in school!” The only reason he deals drugs is to pay for his wife’s treatments for Everywhere Cancer! What a bitch! The loner does a Kickflip McTwist over his dying wife’s head, while he sucks face with a Daddy Issues Babe who is 100% prepared to give him all the handjobs he could want! What a whore! A Netflix Original Series
  6. Chum
    Ruthless business executive Lance Jansen is determined to achieve dominance in the cutthroat field of consumer electronics, no matter what the cost. He is also a literal Great White Shark, measuring 28 feet in length and weighing nearly 8,000 pounds. “I don’t know if we can trust him”, says Doe-Eyed Ad Executive, as Jansen’s eyes roll black and he bisects a harp seal with his multiple rows of serrated teeth. “Maybe not,” says Cynical Minority Product Engineer. “But what other choice do we have?”