What President Trump Hopes to Accomplish in His First 100 Days in Office

  1. Comp a night in the Lincoln Bedroom to any voter who used a Trump One card while gambling on America's future
  2. Read "How to be President: 12 Steps (With Pictures)" on WikiHow
  3. Nominate a Magic 8 Ball to the Supreme Court
  4. Create a cabinet-level position for that octopus who correctly predicted the World Cup winners
  5. Release the hounds!
  6. Increase the budget of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention to combat the scourge of baby hand syndrome
  7. Ritually slaughter a literal scapegoat before brunch each day
  8. Replace Harriet Tubman on the new twenty dollar bill with some broad in a bikini
  9. Have the CIA neutralize every American whose name even rhymes with "Katniss Everdeen"
  10. Convene a congressional committee to investigate what's eating Gilbert Grape
  11. Buy the Democratic Party in hopes of bankrupting it too