THINGS DAVID TEXTED ME WHILE READING HARRY POTTER FOR THE FIRST TIME AT AGE 27

My friend had not previously read the series or seen any of the films. Below is his running commentary as, fortunately for us all, he felt compelled to share his thoughts with me every few pages. I encouraged it by saying I wanted to live vicariously through him, but really it was cause I wanted to write this.
  1. "HarryPotter is awesome btw. Im so glad I discovered this for myself. Kinda wish you'd said something about it rather than trying to keep it for yourself."
    I have been telling him to read Harry Potter since 2010.
  2. "[I'm] totally having sex while dressed as harry potter characters at least once."
  3. "Awww Hagrid is nice. Hope he doesn't die. I know a lot of them die."
  4. "And Harry now has a wand. Very important for a wizard I suspect."
  5. "But yea, it's awesome. He's now in house gryffindor."
  6. "The singing hat is my favourite character so far. And i suspect he wont be surpassed."
  7. "Which is gonna make sex while dressed as harry potter characters incredibly awkward."
  8. "Why would you have a house in your school that appears to just be inherently evil? Nvm. Its actually genius lol. Because some positive influence on these bastards is much better than leaving them congregate somewhere else together."
    "...probably for the best that we give old Albus as much of an influence as possible. And not snape who seems evil as fuck. But i know he dies. Spoiler alert David!"
  9. David decided to take a Harry Potter sorting quiz. I noted that he was half Gryffindor and half Slytherin, like Harry. To which he replied, "Yea haha i was pleased with that. The hat said he would have been a good slytherin as well."
    "The girl that sent it to me said she was a hufflepuff but just did it again and is now a Ravenclaw. I was like bitch please, you're a Hufflepuff."
  10. His little niece took the Harry Potter quiz too. "78% Hufflepuff. She was like 'awww i want to be a slytherin with you.' Adorable. I was like 'and that's why you're a hufflepuff.'"
    And that's why he's a Slytherin.
  11. "Also Alan Rickman is just the perfect Snape. Inspired casting there."
    "I dont plan on ever watching them tbh" -- he's already a Harry Potter book snob, which warms my heart.
  12. "And this gringots robbery thing is an interesting side plot. As i have absolutely no idea what it could be."
  13. "Everyone is talking about Quidditch now. I want to play Quidditch."
  14. "Im not sure who Mrs. Norris is."
  15. "Oooo that Malfoy is a tricksy one. And they just saw the 3 headed dog for the first time. Standing on the trap door. Interestinger and interestinger."
  16. Regarding Hermione: "I like really like her. She seems to be pretty talented at this whole magic thing. Except flying, at which she sucks a bag of dicks. At least, in the first minute of her lesson. I assume she'll improve."
    Really isn't one of her skills.
  17. "Id like to see Neville be good at something. Cos currently he's a bit of a waste of space. I have high hopes that he'll come out of his shell soon."
  18. "Hmm. The package is two inches long. Obvs one of those little bullet vibrators for Professor McGonagall. Boom. Mystery. Solved."
  19. "I now totally connect reading Harry Potter with making you find me more attractive."