Jobs that will soar under the Trump administration

  1. Xanax lollipop manufacturing.
  2. Distilleries upon distilleries upon distilleries.
  3. A Yosemite Sam in every town.
  4. Human Britas to filter garbage out of water reservoirs.
  5. Melania soothers.
  6. Construction workers with Krazy Glue, some instructions for a wall, and a shitload of Legos.
  7. Conversion therapists.
  8. Guys to order flowers for all those uppity broads who are offended by getting groped in the genitals without consent.
    Maybe send some chocolate too.
  9. NRA card laminators.
  10. White textile manufacturing, particularly those of the bedding variety.
    Like sheets. Tons of sheets.
  11. Ventriloquists.
  12. One hundred monkeys in a factory, building smartphones that are even greater than iPhones.
    Bigly better. You don't even know.
  13. Elitist know-it-alls who used to be doctors, now forced to treat patients with Duct tape and Krazy Glue.
    Your co-pay will be $2,000 and one chicken, please.
  14. Krazy Glue manufacturing.
  15. Oil spill quicker picker-uppers, sponsored by Bounty.
  16. Someone to kill all the birds.