A Guide to Dating Me
People, and let me just say- A LOT of people, have asked me, "Maggie, why, just how do I date a gal like you? I mean, I would if I could, but I just do not know how!" Well my dear dimwits, fear not, for here is a step by step guide to dating the one and only ME, who just might be the one and only for YOU.
- •Take me on a date. Like a nice one, no more gas stations for this gal.Though I do like the smell.
- •If you kiss me and I barf, it's meant to be.
- •Tell my mom she's pretty when you first meet her. Then tell me I'm prettier in front of her.
- •Cuddle ALL my tentacles when we spoon.
- •Understand there are days when I'll just act like Willem Dafoe.
- •Love Willem Dafoe.
- •Don't ask about the triplets I ate in the womb.
- •Get my 8th grade English teacher, Mr. Putman, to give me the A on my 2010 final book report that I DESERVED.I brought in a homeless guy to hide in the back of the class and pretend to be Boo Radley!!! Come on!!! He only bit one person!!!
- •If I get pregnant after shaking your hand (stranger things have happened!), take full responsibility for it and raise it as you would a vagina-made baby.
- •Know that my monthly bath of blood is my "Me-Time" just as it was for Countess Elizabeth Bathóry of Hungary in the 1600s.
- •Sign a contract saying you'll give me your kidneys if you're to unexpectedly perish in a car accident taking me home after we go see King Fu Panda 4. (4 is happening.)Yeah, I know the people behind Kung Fu Panda. Pretty hot, right?
- •Just, y'know, be yourself.😘