A Guide to Dating Me

People, and let me just say- A LOT of people, have asked me, "Maggie, why, just how do I date a gal like you? I mean, I would if I could, but I just do not know how!" Well my dear dimwits, fear not, for here is a step by step guide to dating the one and only ME, who just might be the one and only for YOU.
  1. Take me on a date. Like a nice one, no more gas stations for this gal.
    Though I do like the smell.
  2. If you kiss me and I barf, it's meant to be.
  3. Tell my mom she's pretty when you first meet her. Then tell me I'm prettier in front of her.
  4. Cuddle ALL my tentacles when we spoon.
  5. Understand there are days when I'll just act like Willem Dafoe.
  6. Love Willem Dafoe.
  7. Don't ask about the triplets I ate in the womb.
  8. Get my 8th grade English teacher, Mr. Putman, to give me the A on my 2010 final book report that I DESERVED.
    I brought in a homeless guy to hide in the back of the class and pretend to be Boo Radley!!! Come on!!! He only bit one person!!!
  9. If I get pregnant after shaking your hand (stranger things have happened!), take full responsibility for it and raise it as you would a vagina-made baby.
  10. Know that my monthly bath of blood is my "Me-Time" just as it was for Countess Elizabeth Bathóry of Hungary in the 1600s.
  11. Sign a contract saying you'll give me your kidneys if you're to unexpectedly perish in a car accident taking me home after we go see King Fu Panda 4. (4 is happening.)
    Yeah, I know the people behind Kung Fu Panda. Pretty hot, right?
  12. Just, y'know, be yourself.😘