Reasons I Need to Quit Fucking Around on the World Wide Web and Get My Ass in the Shower

  1. I've just been sitting on the bathroom floor for 20 minutes
  2. People might be getting worried
  3. People might be thinking embarrassing things like "Did she fall and break her hip? Or is she having a bout of explosive diarrhea?"
  4. It doesn't matter that this is the only quiet peaceful time of my day.
  5. Everyone must eventually stand under running water, naked, and wash their nooks, crannies, and various creases.
  6. My shower singing sounds fucking incredible
  7. Brunch plans