I left the name blank. Feel free to use as your binding legal document in the case where you might be taking the eternal dirt nap.
  1. I, ______________, don't wish to be resuscitated in the event of an incident where my life is at risk.
  2. If I was fit and had a treatable/Reversible illness, then they could do whatever they could. I would want IV fluids, as dehydration is miserable, and I would like to make a decision about antibiotics on an infection-by-infection basis.
  3. I don’t think I would want nasogastric [tube up the nose] feeding, other than on an extremely temporary basis. A life where I can’t chew/savor food is probably not a life worth living. AKA: no pizza , no thank you.
  4. I don’t want heroics. I want good pain relief and other symptom control, and not to be alone.
  5. Let me float off into the sky in a puffy cloud of drugs and be happy with the full life I enjoyed on this earth.
  6. If I die, tell my mom I'm still a little mad my bedroom never looked like the apartment on Three Men and a Baby that I begged for my whole childhood. I won't haunt her. I'm just disappointed
  7. Donate my organs if at all possible. All of them. My liver is probably useless due to Ketel One. Sorry, people who need livers.
  8. Cremate what's left after organs and stuff. Go to the beach and have a keg party. Technically, you can't sprinkle ashes at the beach so just take me out to sea sometime and put some of me in waters near North Carolina.
  9. Wear pink and green. Listen to good music and don't be sad. Drink champagne and vodka (not together), eat doughnuts and pizza, and don't forget me.
  10. I swear to God, I mean GOOD music. If Darius Rucker's version of "Wagon Wheel" is played or some sappy shit like "Tears in Heaven", I won't be pleased in the afterlife.
  11. If someone could add "Death is but a door. Time is but a window. I'll be back." to my "celebration of life" program, I'd appreciate it. Anyone who realizes it's from Ghostbusters II can stay. Vigo the Carpathian is at times, my spirit animal.
  12. If Bone Thugs n Harmony aren't busy, I'd love a rendition of Crossroads to be played at some point but not at a church cause my mom would be embarrassed.
  13. Also, if anyone memorializes me via a car sticker or something tacky, I'll haunt all of you. Forever. I'm not busy.