HOW TO BE PERPETUALLY LATE

  1. Set your alarm for the exact and minimum amount of time you need to get ready
    I'm not about the snooze life. I like to maximize my REM sleep.
  2. Get ready slower than the time you allowed to be on time
    Forget where your brush is. Make coffee and a toast and eggs at a leisurely pace, pretending to be an organized and cheerful morning person. Find out your dog peed on the only pair of borderline clean pants that you were planning to wear. Forget where your keys are. Forget there's frost on your car.
  3. Arrive at 8:03am.
    Make sure you're winded with a dotted layer of perspiration covering your forehead. Slide into your chair with your backpack and coat on to be extra stealthy.
  4. Repeat
    Do not learn from your mistakes. Do not attempt to have an earlier bedtime. Continue browsing social media until the wee hours of the night. Consider setting your alarm forward a few minutes for advanced technique.