AN ASSHOLES GUIDE TO SOLVANG

Whenever I say I live in Solvang California, people always say "you can live there?" The truth is.... Well, no. But you can exist there. Here's how to survive one of the most boring places on earth.
  1. Turn 21
    In this town the only thing that locals really do besides raising their kids and attempting to be "seen" is drink. A lot. Mostly wine because we've managed to convince ourselves that it's somehow different than hard alcohol. There are two places you can drink that aren't restaurants or wineries. The Maverick Saloon,which really needs a guide unto itself, and the Mandarin Touch which has pretty dang good Chinese and the adjacent bar stays open till 2 am. No other place does this,
  2. Wine Tasting
    I'm not a huge drinker myself, although I find that to be a very relative term outside of California. So basically to the rest of the world in an alcoholic. Anyways, this is one of those things you should do sparingly. It's kind of like wearing yellow pants. You can only do that for one day then you have to take a couple month break lest people remember quite clearly the day you wore them. You're supposed to spit the wine into this disgusting cup but just pretend you didn't know! Oops.
  3. The Longhorn
    This may be the only place in town where there are truly no judgments. No one even looks at each other save a nod of acknowledgment to faint memories of last nights revelry. It's a greasy spoon that's been around since the Cretaceous period and at 6am you can get a coke and a cheeseburger to soak up the rest of your stomach swill. If you can stomach them the pancakes will make you happy for hours. Besides the odds Strongly in favor of diarrhea, I'd say it's definitely worth it.
  4. Join A Gym
    The best one to join is performance fitness... Because everybody hates it. THAT means that nobody I know will be there watching me make iron pumping faces in the mirror while curling 10lbs, with jeans on to hide my chicken legs. It's almost completely unavoidable to not see someone you know in this town but this little gem in the late evening is a little gem of solitude for us introverts.