Actual things guests said to me during my shift

Unabridged, unedited, and unbelievable sometimes
  1. "So, do you go to school for must be failing that course"
  2. "How much have you had to drink? I assume you are allowed to be drunk on the job..."
  3. "You don't have Coca-Cola? Do you hate kids?"
  4. "We have somewhere to be in 10 minutes, can you tell the kitchen to hurry our order up"
    *this was said literally as they were being sat, mid rush during Friday night dinner service
  5. "I would like a well done burger, now I mean a very well done burger. I don't want to see any pink and can't do blood" —burger comes out— "um my burger isn't done right, I can still see some red"...while she is holding the ketchup bottle she just used
  6. "My tips keep your lights on, so I better not see the bottom of this glass,"
  7. "I'll take a water with no ice, I know what you do to your ice," upon asking him what he meant, his reply: "come on man, all the dirty water that you don't use? Ice cubes, bro"
  8. "Hey I really appreciate the service. I loved how we were left unattended and no one asked if we needed anything," - from the couple who sat themselves at a dirty table