MY TRAGEDY-STRICKEN CHRISTMASES, CHRONOLOGICALLY

I freaking love Christmas but all of this is as real as dj khaled's jet ski snapchats
  1. That Christmas when I was a toddler that I was hospitalized with the flu and I was too weak to open presents
  2. The Christmas in elementary school when there was a massive blizzard on Christmas Eve and we didn't end up being able to go to my grandparents' place until like three weeks later and so all the other kids had cool new presents and I was only allowed to open my new pajamas
  3. That Christmas my grandpa had a heart attack and nearly died
  4. The second Christmas my grandpa had a heart attack and nearly died
  5. I SWEAR TO GOD: the third Christmas my grandpa had a heart attack and nearly died
    The third time we had our response down pat. Everyone had a role. Mine was to hyperventilate away from the action so I wouldn't get in anyone's way.