17 Easy Ways to Get a Better Butt
By Alison Leiby and Alyssa Wolff
- •Always take the stairs when going to get your husband’s laundry.
- •Store all of your emergency healing crystals on a low shelf so you have to squat down every time you have a crisis, which is roughly once every five minutes.
- •Steal someone’s identity, like maybe Janet’s. She has a pretty good butt.
- •Scream at it. Ladies’ butts respond positively to harsh criticism.
- •Complain about how hard you’ve been working on getting a better butt so people compliment you on how good it looks.
- •Invite your butt out for a friendly lunch (salads only) and then ask it nicely to be better.
- •Send your butt a passive-aggressive text. Then send another text to your friend Stephanie saying how you really feel about your butt but making her promise to never say a word.
- •Cry about it.
- •Put on a pair of Spanx over your current pair of Spanx and pray that your butt knows how to take a goddamn hint.
- •Cover your butt in garlic cloves. Oh wait, that’s to keep those “Twilight” kids away from it.
- •Make a vision board of great butts.
- •Put headphones on your butt and play classical music through them when you are at home to stimulate its intelligence.
- •Just say out loud: “I have a great butt.” And then get a fucking grip because you’re seriously delusional, Carol.
- •Move to Brazil. There’s something in the water there.
- •Become an Olympic beach volleyball player. Great butts on those broads.
- •Replace every meal during the day with a glass of vodka, and forget that you even have a butt.