17 Easy Ways to Get a Better Butt

By Alison Leiby and Alyssa Wolff
  1. 1.
    Always take the stairs when going to get your husband’s laundry.
  2. 2.
    Store all of your emergency healing crystals on a low shelf so you have to squat down every time you have a crisis, which is roughly once every five minutes.
  3. 3.
    Surgery.
  4. 4.
    Steal someone’s identity, like maybe Janet’s. She has a pretty good butt.
  5. 5.
    Scream at it. Ladies’ butts respond positively to harsh criticism.
  6. 6.
    Complain about how hard you’ve been working on getting a better butt so people compliment you on how good it looks.
  7. 7.
    Invite your butt out for a friendly lunch (salads only) and then ask it nicely to be better.
  8. 8.
    Send your butt a passive-aggressive text. Then send another text to your friend Stephanie saying how you really feel about your butt but making her promise to never say a word.
  9. 9.
    Cry about it.
  10. 10.
    Put on a pair of Spanx over your current pair of Spanx and pray that your butt knows how to take a goddamn hint.
  11. 11.
    Cover your butt in garlic cloves. Oh wait, that’s to keep those “Twilight” kids away from it.
  12. 12.
    Make a vision board of great butts.
  13. 13.
    Put headphones on your butt and play classical music through them when you are at home to stimulate its intelligence.
  14. 14.
    Just say out loud: “I have a great butt.” And then get a fucking grip because you’re seriously delusional, Carol.
  15. 15.
    Move to Brazil. There’s something in the water there.
  16. 16.
    Become an Olympic beach volleyball player. Great butts on those broads.
  17. 17.
    Replace every meal during the day with a glass of vodka, and forget that you even have a butt.