Airplane Passengers as Explained by Their Pants

  1. Wool Suit Pants
    Will board before you.
  2. Wool Hunting Pants
    Will board after you.
  3. Pleated Dockers
    Will loudly talk on cell phone about ROIs and vertical markets.
  4. Pajama Bottoms
    Will be flying either to or from a city with a Señor Frog’s.
  5. Sweatpants with Dallas Mavericks Logo
    Will clog one or more bathrooms.
  6. Stained Yoga Pants
    Will be carrying a screaming child.
  7. Stained Gymboree Pants
    Will be a screaming child.
  8. Leather Pants
    Did not pay for own flight.
  9. Pants with Underwear Sticking Out
    Did not pay for own flight.
  10. Jeans with Rhinestones
    Will get wasted on tequila and Sprite and graze flight attendant’s boob.
  11. Tight Black Stretch Pants
    Will be a pharmaceutical sales rep named Morgan.
  12. Hemp Pants
    Will be flying either to or from a city with a yurt resort.
  13. Golf Pants
    Will “accidentally” click on a porn link on his laptop.
  14. Camouflage Cargos
    Carry-on is a styrofoam cooler sealed with duct tape.
  15. Blue Capris
    European on business.
  16. Red Capris
    European on holiday.
  17. Plaid Capris
    European on way to rehab.
  18. Beige Slacks
    Will nervously clutch book about how liberals are destroying America.
  19. Linen Trousers
    Will swallow a Xanax and mangle your hand during take-off.
  20. Wide-waled Corduroys
    Traveling with a cat.
  21. Thin-waled Corduroys
    Traveling with a guitar.
  22. Patched Corduroys
    Traveling with a cat named Guitar.
  23. Orange Jumpsuit
    Did not pay for own flight.
  24. Skinny Jeans
    Will develop deep vein thrombosis.
  25. Swim Trunks
    Will be escorted off plane by federal air marshal for doing something gross to the beverage cart.
  26. Creased Jeans
    Federal air marshal.