### Coffee Shop Algebra

By Allen Rein

- •3x = 2yWhere x is the number of baristas in suspenders, and y is how long, in minutes, your single origin, fair trade, pour-over will take to handcraft
- •1/x = yWhere x is the number of people ahead of you placing office orders from Post-its, and y is a fractional representation of your will to live.
- •x = yWhere x is the percentage of furniture made from reclaimed driftwood, and y is the approximate cost, in cents, of a single pump of pumpkin spice.
- •4 + x = yWhere x is the number of times you’ve asked an employee of a non-Starbucks coffee shop for a “grande,” and y is the number of ways that individual has envisioned your eventual demise
- •(3 + x) 12 = yWhere x is the number of laptops currently sharing the free Wi-Fi, and y is how long, in hours, it will take to download all five seasons of Portlandia.
- •2x = y – 1Where x is the number of incorrect letters in your name on the cup, and y is the number of times you will Instagram it.
- •(x- y) + 35 = zWhere x is the number of available power outlets, y is the number of dead power outlets, and z is the number of people requiring a functioning power outlet.