Coffee Shop Algebra

By Allen Rein
  1. 3x = 2y
    Where x is the number of baristas in suspenders, and y is how long, in minutes, your single origin, fair trade, pour-over will take to handcraft
  2. 1/x = y
    Where x is the number of people ahead of you placing office orders from Post-its, and y is a fractional representation of your will to live.
  3. x = y
    Where x is the percentage of furniture made from reclaimed driftwood, and y is the approximate cost, in cents, of a single pump of pumpkin spice.
  4. 4 + x = y
    Where x is the number of times you’ve asked an employee of a non-Starbucks coffee shop for a “grande,” and y is the number of ways that individual has envisioned your eventual demise
  5. (3 + x) 12 = y
    Where x is the number of laptops currently sharing the free Wi-Fi, and y is how long, in hours, it will take to download all five seasons of Portlandia.
  6. 2x = y – 1
    Where x is the number of incorrect letters in your name on the cup, and y is the number of times you will Instagram it.
  7. (x- y) + 35 = z
    Where x is the number of available power outlets, y is the number of dead power outlets, and z is the number of people requiring a functioning power outlet.