Corporate Time Equivalents

By Marco Kaye
  1. "Just a sec" = 5 minutes
  2. "Just a minute" = 10 minutes
  3. "Pick your brain" = 17 minutes or, in rare cases, 90 seconds.
  4. "Quick chat" = 48 minutes
  5. "No more than five minutes" = 1 hour
  6. "End of day" = 2 hours after the delivery guy brings dinner
  7. "Quick meeting" = 3 hours
  8. "Deep dive" = in the time it takes to eat half a bag of baby carrots
  9. "Exploratory" = only the intern knows for sure
  10. "Brainstorming session" = the entire afternoon but everyone involved gets to sneak out early
  11. "Could use a hand" = 1 week + the weekend
  12. "Onboarding" = 3 weeks that felt 3 years
  13. "Stint" = 2-3 weeks
  14. "Gigs" = 3-4 weeks
  15. "Boondoggle" = 1 month of hotel food and daydreaming at strange buildings
  16. "Pitch in" = 1 month here and there
  17. "Help out" = 1 month + 2 harrowing weeks
  18. "Assist on" = 3 months + 1 month plotting escape
  19. "Build-out" = why those tech people make shitloads of money
  20. "Ramping up" = must happen before the end of the fiscal quarter
  21. "Gearing up" = really should happen before the end of the quarter, but don't hold your breath
  22. "Strategize" = don't ask, don't tell
  23. "Cool little project" = 6 endless months
  24. "Wonderful opportunity" = 8 months
  25. "Interesting opportunity" = 2 years
  26. "Immediate need" = still hasn't been resolved
  27. "Got my start at" = too long or too short
  28. "Job" = holy shit, has it really been X years?
  29. "Current job" = 1 more year and then I'm out
  30. "Career" = 15 years trying + 5 years coasting + 15 years wondering if all that trying was worth it + 5 years just sitting there, collecting a paycheck, fondly reminiscing about the coasting
  31. "Let's revisit this later" = never shall we speak of this again
  32. "Look back" = 50/50 chance we shall speak of this again
  33. "ASAP" = unquantifiable