Existentialist Recipes I Have Tried

By Torrey Peters
  1. Vinegar-saddened potatoes, seasoned in the shadow of an man bursting with regret, accompanied by a side of angsty pomegranate steeped three hours in leeks, ennui, and the bourgeois consumerism of a successful older sibling.
  2. Orphaned zucchini aged in the sound of children’s laughter, embittered in vinegar, anise, and the deep-eyed stares of a loyal dog, gazing ever-hopefully out the window, even though her owner is late coming home from work.
  3. Friendless goat in emotionally processed micro greens. Do make sure the greens are micro, as they have to be small in comparison with the universe. This dish is best served at a table for one, far from home, while browsing Facebook on your phone.
  4. Feet of an overworked duck, braised for the amount of time it takes Sisyphus to roll his boulder up and down the same mountain three times. For the braising liquid, try to locate at your local wine store a debauched pinot noir, with a misanthropic nose, surprisingly empty on the palate, and a sardonic finish.
  5. Porterhouse steak, burnt to black by your ex-girlfriend, served on a collectible plate featuring images of her looking really great since you two broke up.
  6. Stringy Rooster, marinated in what you think is, at first, an awkward silence, but which turns out to be the casual indifference of eternity.