Honest RÉsumÉ Objectives

By Lauren Kirby
  1. Creative and driven individual seeking a lunch break longer than the allotted 30 minutes. Willing to stroll in late everyday.
  2. Highly fertile, single female in her mid-twenties not willing to connect her LinkedIn to her Facebook account. Please don’t look at either.
  3. Honest, efficient applicant who strives to work to the best of her ability, with skills including limited movement or physical activity and a cold, dead stare.
  4. Multi-talented worker who wonders if her new coworkers will talk about her big nose when she’s not in the room.
  5. Self-starter who did not seize the opportunity to intern anywhere and fears that everyone else her age (and younger) are more qualified and she’ll be doomed for all eternity.
  6. Self-starter who seized the opportunity to intern everywhere and now can handle up to 6+ coffee orders and refill toner on multiple printer models.