1. Sondheim’s Paradox
    When a man thinks he is meant to be with a woman because of their shared love of musicals, but can’t tell her, because she will think he is gay.
  2. Falwell’s Paradox
    When a Christian’s unwavering urge to share Christ’s message of love to everybody they know causes them to be hated by everybody they know.
  3. Kirk's Paradox
    When a person’s increasing number of Star Trek insignia tattoos leads to exponentially decreasing chances of ever being hired by NASA.
  4. Franklin's Paradox
    When an individual must abandon all self-respect in order to belt out a riotous karaoke version of “Respect.”
  5. DiFranco’s Paradox
    When the only factor preventing a feminist from being paid the same as her male coworkers is a degree in Feminist Studies.
  6. Kinsey’s Paradox
    When a young man’s encyclopedic knowledge of human sexuality textbooks prevents him from ever getting laid.
  7. Folger's Paradox
    When a lack of coffee in the morning prevents an individual from being able to functionally leave their home to buy coffee.
  8. Coolio's Paradox
    When an individual cannot get a credit card because of having too much street cred
  9. Chong's Paradox
    When a group of individuals constructs elaborate plans for a unique way to get high, but fail to remember their plans, because they get high.