Let Me Translate My Emails for You

  1. “I’m just checking in.”
    TRANSLATION: Where is that thing you promised I’d have by now?
  2. “Sorry to bother you again.”
    TRANSLATION: Why can’t you do your fucking job?
  3. “I feel bad for making you do this.”
    TRANSLATION: You should feel bad for not having done this already.
  4. “This was helpful.”
    TRANSLATION: This would’ve been helpful two weeks ago
  5. “Sorry if I somehow missed your email.”
    TRANSLATION: We both know you never emailed me.
  6. “Thanks for the explanation.”
    TRANSLATION: If you had told me this last week, you would’ve saved me a lot of time.
  7. “Perhaps there was a misunderstanding.”
    TRANSLATION: You didn’t fucking listen to me.
  8. “I suppose that’s one way to go about it.”
    TRANSLATION: Stop improvising and just do what I asked you to do.
  9. “Sorry if my instructions were unclear.”
    TRANSLATION: Are you a fucking moron?
  10. “If you could get to this in the next couple of days, that would be great.”
    TRANSLATION: Do this immediately if you know what’s good for you.
  11. “I just want to make sure we are on the same page.”
    TRANSLATION: I worry you didn’t understand my simple instructions and will fuck this up.
  12. “I can’t remember if I already asked you to do this.”
    TRANSLATION: I’ve asked you four times and you still haven’t done it.
  13. “We don’t have a lot of flexibility in the schedule.”
    TRANSLATION: You’d better get it done by my deadline or else.
  14. “Let me know if you have any questions.”
    TRANSLATION: Do not bother me with your stupidity.
  15. “Thank you for your help.”
    TRANSLATION: I would’ve done it much faster myself.