Let Me Translate My Emails for You
By Adriana Cloud(http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/let-me-translate-my-emails-for-you_
- •“I’m just checking in.”TRANSLATION: Where is that thing you promised I’d have by now?
- •“Sorry to bother you again.”TRANSLATION: Why can’t you do your fucking job?
- •“I feel bad for making you do this.”TRANSLATION: You should feel bad for not having done this already.
- •“This was helpful.”TRANSLATION: This would’ve been helpful two weeks ago
- •“Sorry if I somehow missed your email.”TRANSLATION: We both know you never emailed me.
- •“Thanks for the explanation.”TRANSLATION: If you had told me this last week, you would’ve saved me a lot of time.
- •“Perhaps there was a misunderstanding.”TRANSLATION: You didn’t fucking listen to me.
- •“I suppose that’s one way to go about it.”TRANSLATION: Stop improvising and just do what I asked you to do.
- •“Sorry if my instructions were unclear.”TRANSLATION: Are you a fucking moron?
- •“If you could get to this in the next couple of days, that would be great.”TRANSLATION: Do this immediately if you know what’s good for you.
- •“I just want to make sure we are on the same page.”TRANSLATION: I worry you didn’t understand my simple instructions and will fuck this up.
- •“I can’t remember if I already asked you to do this.”TRANSLATION: I’ve asked you four times and you still haven’t done it.
- •“We don’t have a lot of flexibility in the schedule.”TRANSLATION: You’d better get it done by my deadline or else.
- •“Let me know if you have any questions.”TRANSLATION: Do not bother me with your stupidity.
- •“Thank you for your help.”TRANSLATION: I would’ve done it much faster myself.