Measures We’re Taking to Offset the Patriarchal Footprint of Our Wedding

  1. The father of the bride will NOT be “giving her away” he will be “escorting her down the aisle.”
  2. The bride will emphatically retain her own surname, and will, in fact, double the amount of letters used to spell it, thus legally becoming “Hannah Bbaalllloouu.”
  3. The groom will no longer be permitted to use any part of his own name and shall henceforth be “The Husband Formerly Known as Eugenio.”
  4. There will be no bouquet toss where the unmarried women are expected to line up and scramble to catch it so as to be the next to marry. Rather, ALL guests will line up and scramble to catch a copy of Judith Butler’s "Gender Trouble," which the bride will hurl over her shoulder.
  5. The hen night shall be referred to as the “Pre-Marital Celebration of Friendship with Persons of Every and No Gender.”
  6. The bachelor party shall consist of attending a Mary Beard lecture.
  7. The bride will not wear white to signify her virginity; she will wear cream to signify her penchant for multiple orgasms.
  8. The male speeches at the reception will be allotted 78% of the time allotted to the female speeches.
  9. The bridesmaids shall be referred to as “Agents of Matrimonial Support.”
  10. Instead of “You may now kiss the bride,” the officiant will state, “The bride may or may not consent to engage in physical acts of affection at any given time.”