What Your Favorite '80s Band Says About You, Part I

By John Peck
  1. Tears For Fears: You have used whiteout on a pair of white loafers.
  2. Art of Noise: You have been paid to be furniture at a party.
  3. Pat Benatar: You have had three or more Superball bruises at one time.
  4. Air Supply: You have punched an arcade game hard enough to injure yourself.
  5. Eddie Money: You have eaten several Shrinky-Dinks on purpose.
  6. Bryan Adams: Your hair smells faintly like barbecue sauce.
  7. Dexy’s Midnight Runners: Your shower smells like Skittles and unfiltered cigarettes.
  8. Dead or Alive: Your pet smells like Goldschlager.
  9. Tangerine Dream: You have a half-full can of Sanka at the back of your cupboard.
  10. Devo: You have dissected a Nintendo game.
  11. Simple Minds: You have tasted a scented pen.
  12. Kajagoogoo: You have used AquaNet in self-defense.
  13. Limahl: You have used Nair in self-defense.
  14. Naked Eyes: You have almost been tricked into eating silly string on a saltine.
  15. Gary Numan: You own more than one pair of sock garters.
  16. Mike and the Mechanics: You have thrown a Rolodex at a raccoon or skunk.
  17. Peter Gabriel: You know what Fimo tastes like.
  18. Roxette: You have injured yourself with a Q-Tip.
  19. Madonna: Your bedroom smells like Midori.
  20. B-52s: Your laundry room smells like Midori.
  21. Richard Marx: You have woken up to a dog licking your hair.
  22. Wham!: You have made nachos while on ecstasy.
  23. The Cure: You have several bracelets or rings you cannot remove.
  24. Berlin: The last book you read used “countenance” as a verb.
  25. This Mortal Coil: You know the act, scene and line that “this mortal coil” comes from.
  26. Billy Idol: You own a piece of clothing that involves both argyle and leather.
  27. Robert Palmer: You have used “argyle” as a verb.
  28. Tommy Tutone: You have attempted to use a Polaroid picture as an ID.
  29. Rick Astley: You have used a hairnet as a handbag.
  30. Bangles: You have chewed gum while delivering a keynote speech or eulogy.
  31. Psychedelic Furs: You have worn sunglasses through an entire tooth cleaning.
  32. The English Beat: You have injured yourself while doing the Electric Slide.
  33. General Public: You have injured yourself while doing the Centipede.
  34. Madness: You have injured several bystanders while doing the Centipede.
  35. Men at Work: You wear shorts with boots at least once a week.
  36. Eurythmics: You have lost a mood ring in a hot tub.
  37. The Smiths: You have read aloud to a hamster, ferret, or turtle.
  38. Joy Division: You have been bitten by a cat while trying to dress it in period costume.
  39. New Order: You own several fish tanks but no fish.
  40. A Flock of Seagulls: You have destroyed a calculator watch in anger.
  41. Men Without Hats: You have accidentally dropped a pager into a tub of frozen yogurt.
  42. Nena: You have put a cigarette out in a piece of birthday cake.
  43. John Cougar Mellencamp: You have put a cigarette out in anindustrial-sized jar of relish.
  44. Loverboy: You have eaten relish as a meal.
  45. Rick Springfield: Your wallet weighs over a pound.
  46. Falco: You have killed a fly with a program from Cats.
  47. Michael Jackson: You have exploded a beanbag chair by landing on it.
  48. Huey Lewis and the News: You are hanging from monkey bars in two or more successive class pictures.
  49. The Police: You have shattered a Rubik’s Cube with a rock.
  50. Sting: You have tried and failed to shatter a Rubik’s Cube with a rock.
  51. Big Country: You have a Highlander poster in a tube in the back of your closet.
  52. Soft Cell: You mouth the words when you watch Highlander.
  53. A-ha: You own a VCR with a copy of Highlander stuck in it.
  54. Survivor: You have cut a Nerf football in half to see what was inside.
  55. INXS: You have knocked someone over with an Aerobie.
  56. Thomas Dolby: You have used a laserdisc as a shaving mirror.
  57. Pet Shop Boys: You have woken up next to an empty bottle of Magic Shell.
  58. Mr. Mister: You have forgotten soup in the freezer and ice cream in the microwave on the same night.
  59. Wang Chung: You have a money clip with an amusement park logo printed on it.
  60. Bauhaus: You know what LARPing is.
  61. OMD: You have gone to a party dressed as a dark elf.
  62. Culture Club: You have woken up under someone who was dressed as a dark elf.
  63. Ministry: You have thrown up on someone who was dressed as a dark elf.
  64. Cocteau Twins: You have spilled Zima on someone who was dressed as a dark elf.
  65. Toni Basil: You have spilled Zima into a motel heating vent.
  66. The Pointer Sisters: You dot your i’s with hearts.
  67. The Pretenders: You are excellent at dodgeball.
  68. ABC: You were one of the first ten people in history to drop a cell phone in a toilet.
  69. Lionel Richie: You have shaved a word into your hair.
  70. The Cars: You have hit a whiffle ball with a fake lightsaber.
  71. Frankie Goes to Hollywood: You have woken up under your high school gym teacher.
  72. Joan Jett: You have woken up on top of your high school gym teacher.
  73. Simply Red: You have temporarily blinded someone by whipping your hair into them.
  74. Europe: You think Europe is Asia.
  75. Asia: You think Asia is Europe.
  76. REM: You minored in something.
  77. Cyndi Lauper: You have lost several silk scarves to escalators.
  78. Starship: You consistently pay for extra cheese at Subway.
  79. The Fixx: You have sunbathed in a suit.
  80. Phil Collins: You have worn shorts while accepting an award or diploma.
  81. Go-Go’s: Your favorite air freshener is Vanillaroma.
  82. Bananarama: Your favorite air freshener is New Car.
  83. Prince: You have used a hamster ball as a cocktail shaker.
  84. Depeche Mode: You have drawn Tintin or the Little Prince in the margin of a math test.
  85. Erasure: You have been caught kissing a copy of The Little Prince.
  86. Thompson Twins: You have been spanked with a copy of The Little Prince.
  87. Human League: You have been spanked with a VHS copy of The Neverending Story.
  88. The Clash: Your safety word is "Nicaragua."
  89. Grace Jones: Your safety word is forty-seven syllables long.
  90. Brian Eno: Your safety word is “10011101.”
  91. Duran Duran: Your safety word is “Kim Wilde.”
  92. Kim Wilde: You have forgotten your safety word.