By Sandra Newman (http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/woman-facts)
- •A woman is born with all the exclamation points she will use in her lifetime.
- •When cornered by a predator, a woman can swell to three times her normal size, but won’t because it is unladylike.
- •In pre-modern times, sightings of women by sailors gave rise to myths about mermaids. In fact, the woman is not even a fish.
- •Behind men’s backs, all women speak French.
- •The “period” is a myth devised by the 1810 Ladies’ Secret Conclave. Tampons actually serve to prevent the genie from escaping.
- •If you stare at a woman for over a minute without protective lenses, you will go insane.
- •Whenever a man leaves a room full of women, all the women sigh dramatically and mutter, “Not man enough!”
- •You can sometimes find tiny, luminous women growing under rotting logs. In the South, these are called “Huckabee wives.”
- •Take a woman onto your palm. Blow gently on her feathers and she will uncurl and show you her belly. If it has a pink plus sign, she is pregnant.
- •You may think the woman is invincible. No: If you steal a woman’s earrings, she becomes as helpless as a man.
- •It is unlucky to bring a woman on board a ship unless you ask her politely not to sing to the kraken.
- •In Norway, it is considered bad luck to kill a woman that is found in the home. Instead, in a ritual originating in pre-Christian times, the family will bake her a “woman-cake” and marry her to their household spider.
- •Contrary to urban legend, the woman is not interested in hearing about your day.
- •When it is time for a woman to lay her egg, she separates herself from the coven and heads off into the wilderness alone. Making her way across hundreds of miles of forbidding territory, she finally comes to the ocean, where she digs a hole at the water’s edge. Here she burns all the photographs of the lying prick who made her pregnant.
- •Once women who lived unconventional lives were seized as witches and burned. Now people just say to them, “You look tired.”
- •Large numbers of women can be caught by baiting a trap with a crying infant. Though only one woman may fall into the trap, hundreds of others will gather to criticize everything she does with the child.
- •If you are concerned you may be a woman, take off your clothes and stand in front of a mirror. If you see a penis and testicles, you are probably a man. If the ghost of a giant on horseback forms behind you, you are a woman.