I was going to rank them but this way is more fun
  1. The Nightly Show
    Gone too soon. One of the many mistakes of 2016 was cancelling this show. Brought race to the late night conversation and did so often at a time when we needed it the most. And so many talented minority writers and performers. I'm unhappy about it.
  2. Jimmy Kimmel Live!
    Undoubtedly the best at dry humor. It's cringe worthy when he sends people out on the street to ask passers by about things and they pretend to know what they're being asked about. It's like the camera adds 10 pounds of hubris. It's embarassing. It's also hilarious. I would like to be involved in that, no question. Oh and John Krasinski has to be there. He and I will prank Jimmy! We'll become best friends. He'll do push-ups while I sit on him and write myself into random episodes of The Office.
  3. @midnight with Chris Hardwick
    He just got married so again, no hitting on him. He actually came to my school last semester and was waiting outside for his car to pick him up feet away from us and my friends and I were too afraid to approach him or say anything (one was acting like I think a broke prostitute with leprosy would act if Jesus had just passed by) so we can bond over that. I know it isn't in the show's format, but we will also probably sing a song.
  4. The Late Late Show with James Corden
    Another delight that the Brits have dropped on our doorstep. He is a triple threat, he is a man just full of joy, entertainment is in his genes somewhere. Reggie Watts cracks me up. Me. James. Michelle (Obama). My best friend John Krasinski. Maybe Kylie Jenner. Tattoo Roulette. DURING Carpool Karaoke. Oh. And we would DEFINITELY sing a song. All of us. The person who loses the game (me) is getting tattooed and still performing.
  5. The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
    America's best friend. Absolute pleasure to watch. His energy is contagious. Admittedly, I don't watch him as much because Colbert is my goto (his monologues never disappoint), but Jimmy and I would have a lot of fun. I wouldn't have anything to plug because I don't do much, but we'd have a really good conversation. I'd let it slip that I have a killer Justin Timberlake impersonation. Jokes on me, JTimbo is backstage! Tears. Then we'd all play that Egg Roulette game, sing a song or two.
  6. Conan
    Home state repping. Usually the best at soliciting real belly laughs. His remotes are one of my favorite things about late night tv. So we would definitely have to do one of those. One of my personal favorites is when he goes to the American Girl Doll Store. In my mind we would visit a preschool or something and interview children on the state of the world (nothing jarring, obviously). He's funny, children's ignorance is funny, I can hold a microphone, boom.
  7. The Daily Show
    Trevor Noah is a very smart comedian and has some of the best correspondents in the game. When they cover a topic that is unfathomable and when Trevor is genuinely mad about something, they are ON. I think I'd want to do a field piece interviewing Trump supporters who contradict themselves. Or one of those segments where Michelle Wolf just comes on and tells people that they're being ridiculous for 7 minutes. Those always get me.
  8. Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
    Untouchable. You better recognize. She is almost Michelle Obama-level for me. Bee stings like one and it is a delight to watch every week. I wish it were on more often because a week's worth of news is overwhelming and then picking and choosing what to put in a 20-something minute show is both a deft skill but also a damn crime. I don't even know if I could say I want to be a guest on her show, her guest-less show is flawless. I'll gladly be an audience member or guest writer.
  9. Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
    Untouchable. You better recognise. He makes me feel both wildly incompetent but also very educated. I like how he puts his main segment on YouTube, the guy genuinely wants people to learn, subscription or not. He doesn't play games or even have guests, but he puts on the occasional song and dance, which is always something equal parts smart, funny, and entertaining. I think I'd like to be in a musical number about the Clexit.
  10. Late Night with Seth Meyers
    His monologues reminds me of the good old days behind the Weekend Update desk. Very bright and witty. I would not hit on him, out of respect for his wife and 6 month old son, but I would mention my years-long crush. And I would be a part of that Wiggles-esque rap group thing his writers do occasionally. Or "Jokes Seth Can't Tell". The interview would get absolutely nowhere, and we would just chat like old friends. Fred Armisen is there. He'll do his inaccurate TV show review and I'd play along.
  11. The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
    Dad? Crush? Friend? Very complicated relationship with Mr. Colbert, but it's all positive. I'd like to sing a "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" style duet with him accompanied by my favorite late night band. Then we'd talk politics. He'd offer me a drink, I'd say I'm underage and to avoid a PR scandal/lawsuit(?) I prepared by drinking before coming out, we'd laugh. I'd joke about running for president, he'd joke about being my Tim Kaine, I save the footage and cash in years from now. Volcy/Colbert, 2032.