THINGS I ASSUME HAPPEN IN STAR WARS

I've never seen the movies. I'm a terrible, terrible person.
  1. The At-Ats trample Darth Vader
    Those are the things that look like hamburgers on stilts right? Well, they find a way to breach the electric fence and stomp on Darth Vader, crushing his cool mask.
  2. ROTJ-Fraggle Rock-Muppet Babies crossover
    Return of the Jedi is directed by Jim Henson. That's why there's so many puppets. He just gave the Muppet Babies laser guns and said, "have at it!"
  3. Billy Dee Williams enters a pop-locking contest
    He wears a really cool hip-hop outfit and recruits Luke and Leia to be a part of his dance team. C3PO does choreography. Channing Tatum is there.
  4. Chewbacca's chewing causes Leia's kidnap
    He's named that because he takes a long time chewing his food. That's why Leia gets kidnapped, because he takes too long. No one likes Chewbacca. He's a real piece of shit.
  5. Harrison Ford shoots George Lucas
    But George Lucas shot him first? He's in jail now, that's why JJ Abrams is directing.
  6. Luke confronts Darth on Maury Povich
    That's when he says, "Luke, I am your daddy." The audience goes nuts. Then Darth tootsie rolls off the stage.
  7. Luke and Leia's incest baby is revealed as Jabba the Hut
    That's why he has a few screws loose.
  8. Crow T Robot from Mystery Science Theater 3000 has a cameo
    He plays one of the battle droids in Phantom Menace.
  9. Attack of the Clones is a sequel to Multiplicity
    Michael Keaton's clones attack the Death Star. Boba Fet is there and he's like, "Damn son!"
  10. Someone fed Yoda after midnight and he turns into an evil Gremlin
    That's why he talks backwards.