ERROR 4:04 AM: SLEEP NOT FOUND

You've just spend 15 hrs trying to be the best you you could be and now you're ready to crawl into bed to sleep the sleep that sleepy people sleep and BAM, you're suddenly wide awake like a coked up squirrel. Now what?
  1. Flip the pillows over. Surely that is the thing stoping you from the sweet, sweet slumber.
  2. Nope. Still not tired. Flip some more.
  3. Seriously, WTF is wrong with all these pillows.
  4. Pull the covers on.
  5. Kick the covers off.
  6. Pull the covers on, but kick one leg out.
  7. Glance at the clock and realize if you fall asleep right.now you can still get 6 hrs of sleep and people function well enough on that, even if you prefer more.
  8. Visualize sheep frolicking on the beach.
  9. Count backwards.
  10. Think about all those nights of awesome sleep that you took for granted because you will never ever sleep again.
  11. Realize the harder you chase the elusive bitch named sleep, the faster she runs away from you.
  12. Stare at the clock. Down to 5 hours.
  13. Time to act nonchalant about sleep. "You know what? I don't even care that much about sleep. I'm going to be productive with these bonus hours!!!"
  14. With your brain now in overdrive, the only thing to do is dissect every failed relationship and figure out what REALLY went wrong.
  15. 4.5 hrs of precious precious sleep could be yours if you could just!shut!your!brain!down!
  16. Decide insomnia texting your ex(es) is the way to go here because there's no way that ends awkwardly. You're getting closure! You tell yourself.
  17. 4 hrs until the alarm goes off
  18. You FINALLY feel your eyelids getting heavy.
  19. Careful not to draw any attention for fear that sleep will beat a quick retreat, you fade silently into unconsciousness, but because your mind is a cruel and twisted beast, you dream that you are awake and unable to fall asleep, resulting in doubt as to whether you even slept all.
  20. 1 minute until the alarm goes off
  21. The moment you finally hit true restfulness, the shrill sound of the alarm fills your ears.
  22. 2 minutes after the alarm goes off
  23. Check your phone. Discover 8 missed calls/voicemails and 6 text messages. Wonder who died to justify that kind of activity in the middle of the night.
  24. Wonder why, after all these years, your ex boyfriends are all trying to get in touch with you.
  25. Consider how you are going to let them all down gently because no way do you want to get back together. You did after all JUST dissect those relationships. No way you wanna go back there.
  26. Listen to voicemails.
  27. Start hyperventilating.
  28. Check the text messages. Scroll up and read your "insights"
  29. Die inside.
  30. Die inside some more.
  31. Wonder why no one ever warns you about the dangers of insomnia texting. Drunk texting, yes, but this shit is JUST. AS. DANGEROUS!!!
  32. 2 hours after alarm goes off
  33. Run into ex #2 while getting coffee to counteract your zombie state. Because OF COURSE!!!