GRANDMAS AND DIRTY JOKES GO HAND IN HAND, RIGHT?!?

  1. Today would've been my grandma's 85th birthday.
  2. She was a crazy woman who once made me get in a car with strangers so they could drive us around the parking lot when she lost her car at the mall when we were shopping.
  3. She asked me super casually if my teenage brother and his girlfriend were having sex, as if that was something he and I discussed.
  4. She once cooked a frozen pizza upside down and still in it's original packaging.
  5. She spent 40 years being the other woman.
  6. But he always gave her money when he was leaving so .....
  7. She threw the most incredible dinner parties.
  8. She started my love affair with crab.
  9. And my dislike of vodka.
  10. She had one joke.
  11. She told it every Christmas.
  12. Like clockwork.
  13. Didn't matter that it was woefully inappropriate.
  14. And every time, while she struggled to remember the punchline, we all sat there like we've never heard it before.
  15. Because it brought her so much joy to tell it.
  16. And so today, in her honor, I'm going to share it with you.
  17. And while you're reading it, just imagine a Betty White-esque lady doing the motions and the voice of the woman. It will add to your mental picture. And because that's how grandma told it. Always.
  18. And without further ado
  19. ..........
  20. Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.
  21. She says, “Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you’d like to come into my bedroom.”
  22. Santa responds, “Ho! Ho! Ho! I gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”
  23. The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says, “I’ve got something special for you Santa. Can’t you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable.”
  24. Santa responds, “Ho! Ho! Ho! I gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”
  25. Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says, “Santa, this is your last chance. This is your gift.”
  26. Santa responds “Hey! Hey! Hey! I gotta stay. Can’t get up the chimney this way!!!”