HOW I WILL SCREW UP MY LIFE (AND OTHER FUN FACTS) BASED ON MY ZODIAC SIGN ♍️

Who needs introspection and self discovery when the stars (and the people at thought catalog) have all the answers to life's most important questions.
  1. 1.
    How To Tell If You’re A Shitty Person: Out of all the signs, Virgo is the most analytical and logical. They don’t like it when you tell them their logic is wrong or makes zero sense. If you mess up any careful planning they’ve meticulously researched and put together, they will resent you.
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    Here’s Why You’ll End Up In Jail: If you’re a Virgo, you would be in jail for hacking into important computers and databases. You are nosy, and love knowing what is going on in the lives of others. Virgos are known to often be proclaimed as innocent, and it is likely that you would never end up in jail.
  3. 3.
    This Is Your Ultimate Theme Song: “The path that I’m walking I must go alone, I must take the baby steps till I’m full grown, full grown. Fairy tales don’t always have a happy ending, do they?And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay.” — Fergie, Big Girls Don’t Cry
  4. 4.
    The Worst Qualities You Possess: You’re known for being a tight-ass, hypercritical perfectionist. The most amazing negative quality you have is your ability to remember and bring up something unpleasant from the past. You look down on people for their more animal instincts, but you’ve got them, too. You’re just afraid of indulging.
  5. 5.
    This Is How You Lie: Analytical Virgo doesn’t lie. Like Aries, they find it too bothersome and they’d rather focus on the situation at hand. The exception is if the truth stands in the way of resolving a situation. Even then, they’re considering all the pros and cons, and whether it’s really worth it.
  6. 6.
    This Is What Scares You: Ataxophobia, the fear of messes (untidiness and disorder).
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    This Is Where You’re Most Likely To Meet Someone With Dating Potential: The analytical sign, Virgos live for the rules as well as activities that stimulate their minds. You’ll find them at sports games like baseball, or perhaps playing pool or foosball at a bar.
  8. 8.
    Your Sexiest Quality: Your artistic and linguistic mind arms you with a way with words that can charm the pants off anyone. Seriously, you’re the master at talking someone into bed.
  9. 9.
    This Is Why People Break Your Heart: Virgos are analytical and skeptical, a dangerous combination. They tend to not only analyze and doubt their own feelings, but also their partners’. Even just a small sense of doubt has them giving up and concluding the relationship impossible, even if there’s a slight chance of fixing the problem.
  10. 10.
    The Nastiest Thing You Are Willing To Do In Bed: Virgos are not adventurous lovers. However, let it be known that they more than make up for it by being very, very good at what they are willing to do. Like everything else in a Virgo’s life, they’ve done a lot of Google searching and figured out how to approach perfection
  11. 11.
    Why People Think You’re Funny: Virgo tends to use complaints to make people laugh. They will poke fun while being witty about the issues they have with the world, entertaining those around them quite easily.
  12. 12.
    This Is The Drink You Should Order At A Bar: Elder-Peary Sangria. Analytical Virgos are simple, precise and logical. Their perfect drink is also a perfect blend of just the right amount of ingredients from various liquor, topped with some healthy fruit.
  13. 13.
    This Is What Kind Of Friend You Are: A Virgo tend to be quite shy, so they will not make the first move when meeting new people. They do not like to lead and prefer to follow their friends and go with the flow. Their best friends adore their advice and their problem solving skills. Virgos are usually at the center of life long friendships...
  14. 14.
    This Is How You Will Fuck Up Your Life: You will, ultimately, end up being a workaholic. You will end up being one of those stereotypical Lifetime Movie Network parents who miss their children’s entire life working 7am – 10pm in the office seven days a week.
  15. 15.
    Here’s Which Hogwarts House You’d Be Sorted Into: Ravenclaw. Stalwart and reliable, Virgos are another very loyal zodiac sign. They’re also quite practical and sometimes lean towards Hufflepuff tendencies but ultimately belong with the thinkers, the dreamers, the ones always reaching for the answers of the world.
  16. 16.
    Here’s What You Should Stream On Netflix: Virgos want their Netflix experience to be utilitarian and intelligent. They will go for anything that helps them be a better person in real life — and not like a person who wastes time on the couch watching too much TV. They will adore the Ted Talks: Life Hacks, Steve Jobs, and Food, Inc.
  17. 17.
    Here Is Your Spirit Emoji: 💸 As a Virgo, you are very pragmatic and analytical which is why you are usually more successful than your friends. You take a long time to think things through before making a decision. You are very calculated and intelligent. You have a specific timeline for your goals and you make sure to follow it.
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    The Warning Label You Should Come With: May fish for compliments because their need to feel desired and validated is so prominent.
  19. 19.
    Why Everyone Is Jealous Of You: Virgos are some put-together mofos. No one can solve a problem like a Virgo can solve a problem — which is why everyone wants them on their team. They are sought after friends, employees, and even romantic partners for this reason.
  20. 20.
    This Is Your Favorite Sexual Position: The Cat — Missionary position but misaligned, so that his shoulders are at her chest instead of being chest-to-chest and you smoosh your bodies together as closely as possible.
  21. 21.
    Here’s What Kind Of Crazy Ex You Are: A Virgo is the kind of crazy ex who will methodically figure out how to ruin your life. They have all the skills they need: intelligence, focus, problem-solving, and a nasty breakup gives them the single-minded desire. And because they’re so, well, Virgo you won’t even know they’re a crazy ex.
  22. 22.
    This Is The Type Of Girl You Would Be On The Bachelor: You are the overly intelligent, modest woman in the house. You are the “mom” of the group, and you are the only girl who refuses to go back to the Fantasy Suite with the Bachelor, citing “self respect” as your reasoning.
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    This Is Why You’re Kind Of A Terrible Person: At times, Virgos can be hard to get to know. They are so scared of being rejected and misunderstood that they close themselves off and hide behind their shy nature. When they open up, however, they can be suffocating and over-protective. In smaller friend groups, Virgos can succumb to gossip.
  24. 24.
    Here’s An Untranslatable French Word That Describes You: Savoir-Faire — knowing how to act appropriately in social situations.
  25. 25.
    The Stupid Shit You Do While Drunk: You’re the queen of storytelling. When you get drunk, groups of people will gather around you in order to hear what you have to say (even though your stories are clearly dramatized). Of course, in order to tell stories, you have to create stories.
  26. 26.
    Here’s Exactly What Would Happen To You In A Horror Movie: A Virgo would not survive a horror movie. It’s hard to imagine a Virgo being so impractical as to find themselves in any setting in which a horror movie would take place. They are the minor character we are only introduced to in order to seem them murdered in some spectacular way.
  27. 27.
    Here’s Why You’re The Black Sheep Of Your Family: They’re tired of you being better than them. Most people struggle to figure their lives out, but Virgos generally have an easier time at least covering the basics because they are very practical, intelligent, and focused.
  28. 28.
    What People Secretly Want To Change About You: Your indifference. You are so closed-off sometimes that you can be cold as ice. That aloofness leaves people feeling like you don’t care about them or even like them. Even though you are warmer than you look, the way you carry yourself can make people feel like you’re really unaware of their existence.
  29. 29.
    How You Respond To Being Told To ‘Be More Ladylike’: "What even IS being ladylike? What do you mean by that?”
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    Here’s Exactly What Would Happen To You On ‘The Walking Dead’: A Virgo will be an integral member to a large group, and they’ll survive because better survivors than them will protect them because of what they can offer the group. Virgos are workhorses and they’ll make any camp they’re a part of 110% better than it was before they found it.
  31. 31.
    The Sex Move You Just Can’t Resist: Recording a DIY porn so you can watch the video as a couple later and your partner can shower you with the praise you so covet for your hot performance.
  32. 32.
    This Is Why Your Boss Hates You: Your boss doesn’t hate you and probably can’t hate you, you’re so proper and polite and you always work harder than anyone else. Your boss probably depends on you to do 90% of the work and you’re secretly his/her favorite.