"I LEAVE MESSAGE HERE ON SERVICE BUT YOU DO NOT CALL"

So you wanna get in touch with me? Here's the primer:
  1. Send me a text.
  2. It's the fastest way to get my attention.
  3. Make it interesting and engage me right off the bat and I'll respond so fast you'll get whiplash.
  4. But if you go with something lame like hello
  5. Or hey
  6. Or hi
  7. You'll probably never hear from me.
  8. Like ever.
  9. Because to me that screams "I'm bored. Talk to me. Entertain me!!!!" And who has time for that shit.
  10. Not me. I have lists to like.
  11. And relist.
  12. Next up, snail mail.
  13. Write me a letter. Like an actual honest to goodness old fashioned letter that you write out by hand and stick in an envelope that you lick closed and put a stamp on and go to the post office and stick in the slot.
  14. And then you wait.
  15. Because mail delivery takes time.
  16. But your patience will be rewarded. Eventually. Maybe. Unless it gets lost in the mail.
  17. And once you've waited and waited, what do you do?
  18. Email me.
  19. But as with the text message, you best make it catchy or you'll get lost among the sale notifications, and food offers and I'll never see it when I skim down the unread emails.
  20. And it will languish there forever as my unread email number climbs higher and higher. Since I'll never achieve inbox zero and have no expectations to, I'll never see your email.
  21. After waiting an appropriate amount of time, it's best to assume I never got your email. Because I didn't. And I don't know that I didn't so I don't know that I'm ignoring you.
  22. So what do you do know, you're wondering? Simple:
  23. Carrier pigeon
  24. I know, right?!
  25. I like animals. Birds are not so much my thing, but I'd be so impressed that a pigeon came to land near me that I'd investigate the situation.
  26. But first, I'd freak the fuck out because I've seen "The Birds"
  27. And I've had a pigeon poop on me.
  28. Twice.
  29. And that shit isn't pleasant.
  30. Literally.
  31. And figuratively.
  32. But once I've gotten over all that I'd check for a secret message, because I LOVE stuff like that.
  33. But please, after the effort of finding a carrier pigeon don't go with "call me" as your message. Because I probably won't.
  34. Not because I don't want to (which I don't) but because I don't know who the hell you are. At least when people leave a call me voicemail, I can see the number. I can tell from the voice. But here you are relying on handwriting analysis. So yeah, not gonna happen for you. But thanks for the fun and games. And some incurable bird disease.
  35. After a texting fail, and snail mail fail, and email fail, and carrier pigeon fail, you may be tempted to just call. RESIST! Instead:
  36. Sky writing
  37. But make sure you hire someone good, otherwise your message may get a little messed up and before you know it ANYONE BUTT RUMP is floating in the sky.
  38. And that's probably not the message you wanna be sending. Unless it is...
  39. If you're all for flying something overhead but don't like sky writing because it reminds you of the time your horrible ex invited you to prom, you can always go with flying a banner over my house.
  40. Because I like to read things.
  41. But I don't make a habit of hanging outside looking up in the sky waiting for banners, so be sure to include a note in the letter you sent me that I probably haven't read yet so I know to be on the lookout.
  42. If you think I've missed your banner, you can always try a smoke signal.
  43. I'll warn you now, this one is a risky prospect because it requires you to start a fire. And we have no water here to put it out. Along with being quasi-morally bankrupt we're also H2O bankrupt here. So you'll likely get yourself arrested. And you'll be tempted to call me for bail. I'd resist the temptation because you'll only be disappointed.
  44. Now, you're out on bail having called someone far more likely to answer the phone, but you still need to talk to me?
  45. Climb through my window and whisper sweet nothings in my ear while I sleep
  46. But I'd make sure you get my window and not the neighbor. Because she doesn't take kindly to people sneaking I through her bedroom window. Called the cops on the last guy, in fact. So you may find yourself back in jail.
  47. Again, call someone else to bail you out.
  48. When and only when you've gone through the above, pick up the phone and call me.
  49. But for the love of my sanity don't start off with hello.
  50. Or hey.
  51. Or hi.
  52. Because I'll probably just hang up on you.