MY ANTI-BUCKET LIST

Tried and true ideas that always appears on someone's bucket list, these are the things I'll be avoiding before I die.
  1. Skydiving
    Why exactly is it life affirming to throw yourself out of a plane...
  2. Bungee jumping
    ...Or off a bridge?
  3. Surfing
    Ingesting in gallons and gallons of salt water on the hopes of standing on water? Yeah, nope.
  4. Learning to play an instrument
    Let's be honest, what people want when they say they want to learn to play an instrument is to look cool while playing that instrument. This will require discipline, and flair, and patience. None of these are things I have.
  5. Hiking Everest
    Yeah, I saw the movie. I know how that would end for me.
  6. Seeing a tornado touch down
    Again, I've seen the movie. And I'll pass.
  7. Going on a safari
    Animals in their natural habitat are awesome. But a lot of your safari time is spend sitting and waiting and hoping and praying. And all that sitting is going to come at a pretty steep price tag. And then after hours and hours, off in the distance, maybe you'll see...something. I'll just watch a YouTube video.
  8. Attending Burning Man
    I once heard it described as kindergarten for middle class adults. No thank you.
  9. Running a marathon
    This body *gestures up and down* is built for comfort, not speed or distance. I run away from zombies. I run towards the ice cream truck. That's it.
  10. Running with the bulls
    You run with the Bulls, you get the horns. And the you die, you moron. No thank you.
  11. Killing a wild game animal
    There is a special place in hell for people that do this. My spot in hell is already reserved, but I don't want to do to the special place.
  12. Doing the polar bear plunge
    Why would I want to voluntarily jump into freezing cold water? What would this accomplish? Hypothermia and frostbite, that's what it would accomplish.
  13. Watching the ball drop from Times Square on New Year's Eve
    Why would I want to stand there all day just to see a ball drop for one minute when I can watch it on tv from the warmth of my home! It's cold. It's crowded. It's a no-no.
  14. Riding in a hot air balloon
    Fly through the air in a basket attached to a balloon that’s powered by an open flame, and hope nothing goes wrong? Never.