THINGS I'D RATHER DO THAN GO OUT TO DINNER TONIGHT WITH 10+ PEOPLE WHERE THE BILL WILL BE SPLIT

Because inevitably the calculators will come out, people won't include the tip, others will underestimate their share of the wine, still more will fail to contribute to the "appetizers for the table," and most will generally be cheap and suck the money out of my wallet and fun the out of the event I had to talk myself into attending to begin with.
  1. 1.
    #only #talk #in #hashtags #for #the #rest #of #my #life.
  2. 2.
    Cannonball into a swimming pool filled with durian.
  3. 3.
    Have all my toilet paper replaced with sandpaper.
  4. 4.
    Cover myself in honey and run through a swarm of bees.
  5. 5.
    Attend my high school reunion.
  6. 6.
    Drink an entire bottle of hot sauce.
  7. 7.
    Get a pap smear from Edward Scissorhands.
  8. 8.
    Have dinner with just my brother and his wife. Alone. No buffers allowed.
  9. 9.
    Clean a frat house bathroom.
  10. 10.
    Volunteer as tribute for the Hunger Games.
  11. 11.
    Sit on an uncovered gas station toilet seat.
  12. 12.
    Walk into that gas station bathroom barefoot.
  13. 13.
    Piss off Christian Bale.
  14. 14.
    Get into a fist fight with Rhonda Rousey.
  15. 15.
    Do the Freaky Friday body swap thing with Charlie Sheen.
  16. 16.
    Listen to the audio version of 50 Shades of Grey read by Gilbert Gottfried. On repeat. Forever.