@originalamericantrt and I are currently watching The Goonies for the first time at the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens. We're trying to make sense of the story through a haze of taco platters and smuggled margaritas.
  1. EXPOSITION: 2 guys like to shoot guns with their mom. The police aren't cool with that. There's also 5 kids that want to stop them. They like Rube Goldberg machines and generally act like dicks.
  2. WHO ARE THESE KIDS?: There's the douchey one who speaks Spanish, the older one, the fat one, the nerdy one who has asthma, and the nerdy one who is actually Short Round
  3. THE STORY SO FAR: These kids hang out at a house that's about to be foreclosed upon. They find a treasure map in the attic and set out to find it, presumably to save the house (because their parents suck at money?). They tie the older one up for being a dick and then they look for the treasure.
  4. THE STORY SO FAR-ER: An old woman kidnaps them and then girls show up. They find a dead body in a freezer because the fat one thinks he smells ice cream.
  6. A couple of Jewish and/or Italian gangsters are upset about something.
  7. The old guy is back?
  8. Ok the gangsters are Italian.
    Because they sing opera.
  10. I think the Italian gangsters are the bad guys from the beginning. IT'S ALL COMING TOGETHER
  11. This dynamite is gonna come in handy later...
  12. Callie: "What are they doing, making out?"
  13. Another Rube Goldberg machine!
  14. The douchey kid is called Mouth. The fat kid is called Mikey. Short Round is still Short Round.
  15. There is now a waterfall of small change. Which reminds me:
  17. Callie, on what happened while I was gone: "They're in a cage now."
  18. Short Round saved himself with teeth.
  19. Everyone is peeing (maybe they got the idea from me?)
  20. Did that girl just kiss a baby?
    This is like a milder version of that scene from Revenge of the Nerds. ITS NOT OK
  21. The Italian mom looks like Christopher Columbus and makes pig noises
  22. The dynamite was actual just candles
  23. Is that the Iron Throne???
  24. No they're just making pianos cool
  25. "I'm not Liberace you know!"
  26. This is the illest water slide
    Callie: "Let's go to a water park!"
  27. Callie (re: Italian mom/Christopher Columbus): "She looks like every lunch lady I've ever known."
  28. YAY BOAT
  29. This kid treats his inhaler like drugs.
  30. Oh the fat kid is Chunks. Inhaler kid is Mikey.
  31. Who's the scary face guy?
    Callie says he runs the computers?
  32. He's got mommy issues
    So he threw her off the boat
  34. Now they're on the beach and the other mom (Non-Italian) broke her arm
  35. And pizza was had by all
  36. Way to kick the inhaler habit, Mikey!
  37. By the light of day, scary-looking guy clearly just has a condom on his head.
  38. Which Astoria is this?
  39. Where did the maid come from?
  40. Those jewels are worth way more than a house.
  41. That's all folks!
  42. CONCLUSION: This was a fun movie to watch and I would like to watch it again when I am soberer.
    Callie: "What happened?"