1. Do not leave your house for two-three days. Works best if you live in a one bedroom or studio apartment.
  2. Do NOT clean said apartment.
  3. Continually order out of food from places that you cannot really afford, the kind of place where you have to order dessert just to get to a high enough price that they'll deliver. Eat it all as soon as it arrives. It's good to have something to feel guilty about.
  4. Listen to and believe the mean voices in your head.
  5. Don't pick up anyone's phone calls except your parents, especially if they are difficult!
  6. If anyone asks you how you are feeling, tell them "fine." Keep all your emotions inside, really bottled down deep. This is important.
  7. If you can get your hands on one dose of a drug that will make you feel good for a minute, but will leave you wanting more (and you really can't get any) then that will help speed up the process.
  8. Spill something sticky like honey on the ground, forget about it, and then step in it later.
  9. Don't read or write, just watch reruns of tv shows you've already seen.
  10. Stalk one or more ex-lovers on the Internet. If you can, really go down a rabbit hole with the most successful, of them and dig way into their new life. Lover with hottest new partner will work too. Best if they look like you, but are a slightly hotter version.
  11. Forget someone's birthday to put strain on a relationship and feel further badly about yourself.
  12. Form one new obsession: something like this new app, or a blog that really scares you. I've never tried Candy Crush, but I'm sure that works.
  13. Look at pictures from your skinniest weight and feel really bad
  14. I think that's about it! Congratulations you did it! You're insane!