Dates that have gone horribly, horribly wrong.

I'm a single, 34 year old woman. I have been known to, on numerous occasions, make bad choices when it comes to men and dating. These choices include, but are not limited to, Tinder nightmares, and regretful sexual encounters.
  1. List Guy
    I'm starting with "List Guy" because that doesn't seem so bad, right? Let me tell you, there is a time and a place for lists (perhaps an app even), and it is not on a date!! After reading a letter of complaint he had written to his building manager about speed bumps in the driveway, he then spent 45 minutes reading to me, lists of words he had compiled in his phone. Single use words, words he likes, words he dislikes. I said I was sick and made my escape as he tried to kiss me.
  2. Israel
    I met with "Israel" after matching on eharmony. He was from Israel, cute, well travelled and educated, had a good career. He had the potential to be really interesting. Sadly, he had the personality of a dead goldfish. Our hour-long date seemed like days and was filled with MANY LONG silences. We never spoke again.
  3. Dr McDreary
    I went on 2 dates with this cute British Dr. He was about 8 years younger than I am, but I was willing to overlook this (because, cute Dr). He was sweet, caring, thoughtful, and he listened!! He even bought me a book we had talked about. But sadly, for all his study of anatomy, the Dr could not kiss to save his life. A few days after the second date, I sent him the "thanks, but no thanks" text.
  4. Fireman Bamm!
    A mutual friend set us up after he asked about a Facebook picture she had posted. He was cute and a fireman. What's not to like? Perhaps the fact that he fucked like he was trying to use a jack hammer to break down a burning wall. The last time I saw him, he made the mistake of announcing that he wanted to "cum in my arse" while he was pounding away. I refused. He dropped off the planet. My arse remains a jack hammer free zone.
  5. The Dirty Irishman
    This was my first match on eharmony. I had joined under the misguided assumption that men who have paid for this service must be serious. As soon as I gave him my number the conversation turned dirty. He promptly sent me half naked selfies and asked for some in return. He then sent a masturbation video he had made "especially" for me in the shower. It gave my girlfriends and I a good laugh, but I am concerned that he was only in the shower for 2 minutes and didn't wash himself.
  6. The Psychologist
    We clicked immediately. He was funny, quirky, cute, worked at my favourite Cafe in the city. Our first date was spent talking until 4am. The following night, having had no sleep, I made the hasty decision to go to his place for the night. I was concerned about sleeping with him too soon. As I lay there, anxious and naked, he asked if I had seen a psychologist. He kissed like a horny 17 year old, and we had the most regrettable 20 seconds of sex, ever. I went home and showered.
  7. The Cute Canadian Client
    A very cute Canadian stumbled (literally) into my work one day. He started booking with me regularly (I work in Travel, not a brothel). He is much younger than I am, so I avoided his advances. But when my ex husband re-married, I decided I was going to get drunk and pash a cute boy... Well I got completely blind drunk, and slept with that cute boy. I vomited in the cab ride home the next morning, showered, and headed to a second birthday party where I was surrounded by noisy children for hours.
  8. The guy whose name I don't know
    We matched on Tinder. Chatted until about 2am when he finally convinced me to go to his house. This obviously wasn't a "relationship" guy, and I'm a grown arse woman with needs, so I went. It was fun. I never saw him again, and I have no idea what his name is. *Disclaimer: In retrospect, this was very unsafe, and I in no way encourage women to go to a strange man's house, especially without safeguards in place (always tell someone!!). I got lucky in this case. No pun intended.*