Stories I've Told So Many Times That I Don't Know What Really Happened

  1. The time I was a clown in the circus and a chimp charged me.
    Chimps are mean and dangerous. Lion tamers are afraid of chimps. Chimps hate clowns. I do recall the chimp stopping short of ripping my nuts off and waving his arms over his head in front of the crowd. The chimp trainer/ abuser said that was how a chimp retires. Never saw that ape again.
  2. How I became a sitcom writer.
    I thought I was going to be a serious writer. Then my cousin gave my script to Wendi Goldstein.
  3. Getting arrested in the Soviet Union
    I do know I was trying to trade Big Red gum for Lenin pins near the Moskva river. I was caught up in a big sweep of the streets. Once the beat cops who were arresting all the street urchins realized that I spoke Russian they took me in to interrogate me too, mostly about how much money American cops make.
  4. Breaking my neck doing Capoeira.
    I was doing a back flip and landed on my head.
  5. My poison cake joke.
    So I don't have to live a life of dementia, I will bake a cake full of poison, leave it on my kitchen table. Every morning if I remember why the cake is there I get to have another day. On my last day, I get to have cake!