Stories I've Told So Many Times That I Don't Know What Really Happened
- •The time I was a clown in the circus and a chimp charged me.Chimps are mean and dangerous. Lion tamers are afraid of chimps. Chimps hate clowns. I do recall the chimp stopping short of ripping my nuts off and waving his arms over his head in front of the crowd. The chimp trainer/ abuser said that was how a chimp retires. Never saw that ape again.
- •How I became a sitcom writer.I thought I was going to be a serious writer. Then my cousin gave my script to Wendi Goldstein.
- •Getting arrested in the Soviet UnionI do know I was trying to trade Big Red gum for Lenin pins near the Moskva river. I was caught up in a big sweep of the streets. Once the beat cops who were arresting all the street urchins realized that I spoke Russian they took me in to interrogate me too, mostly about how much money American cops make.
- •Breaking my neck doing Capoeira.I was doing a back flip and landed on my head.
- •My poison cake joke.So I don't have to live a life of dementia, I will bake a cake full of poison, leave it on my kitchen table. Every morning if I remember why the cake is there I get to have another day. On my last day, I get to have cake!