My rating system for books.

Because stars are overrated.
  1. 1.
    Anything that takes place on a boat is the best. That's just a fact. Also, sometimes there are pirates! If I say a book is boat-worthy, that means it's awesome (and chances are pretty good that there are pirates in it).
  2. 2.
    James Franco.
    Franco is almost as good as boats. I know what you're thinking — how can ANYTHING be better than James Franco? But since he's a human, he's imperfect by default (even if his imperfections still somehow make him perfect). A James Franco-level book is really good, but probably doesn't feature enough pirates.
  3. 3.
    Lukewarm tap water.
    Good enough if you're thirsty, but definitely not something you're going to brag about consuming on Instagram. If a book is rated lukewarm tap water, there are definitely zero pirates in its pages, but you still won't feel too bad about leaving it at the free book library for others to enjoy, because there's probably at least a decent plot.
  4. 4.
    Kraft mac and cheese.
    Nostalgia makes you think you want it, and for like three bites, you wonder why you eat anything else ever. But by the time you've eaten half the bowl, you've lost interest, and while you know you should save the rest to heat up later, instead you throw it in the trash and don't even feel guilty. Kraft mac and cheese type books might have great premises, characters, and/or writing, but for some reason... meh.
  5. 5.
    MONKEYS ARE THE WORST AND I AM TERRIFIED OF THEM. Books rated monkey-level are TERRIBLE THINGS WHICH SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN PUBLISHED. Coincidentally, the only books I think are monkey-level feature monkeys as characters. (WHYYYYYY? WHY WOULD ANYONE DO SUCH A THING?!?!)