1. Because you can
  2. It takes patience, and patience is a virtue
  3. It keeps your face warm
  4. It keeps food from ending up on your shirt
  5. People assume you're pretty badass, even if you're a total wuss
  6. It can double as a nest for birds
  7. You can stroke it and look like you're being contemplative (ha!)
  8. It can store pencils
  9. It hides blemishes/scars
  10. It makes some state senators nervous and slightly intimidated
  11. Santa had a beard
  12. So did Jesus
  13. Hitler had a mustache, not a beard
  14. It helps your kid find you in a crowd