1. Because you can't
  2. It sheds like a Labrador retriever. And the hair tends to look more like pubic hair than normal hair. So your basically shedding pubes. Basically.
  3. It keeps your face warm, a little too warm, and then you want to rip it off OR BURN IT WITH FIRE
  4. It makes babies cry. Well, some babies...ugh, babies....
  5. Some coworkers find it "unprofessional". Well I think your sign saying "I'll try to be nicer when you try to be smarter" unprofessional...so 👅
  6. High maintenence
  7. Way too many people ask about or send you the (inaccurate) article about poop-particles being in your beard. I TAKE A SHOWER DAILY PEOPLE!
  8. Your mother might not approve (which might be a positive...)
  9. Food gets caught in it, which you might notice immediately so you end up walking around with a croissant flake or piece of lettuce just chillin in your beard. Snack for later? Sure. Fodder for embarrassment. Yep.