THE WEEK I FUCKED THE SHIT OUT OF ADULTHOOD

  1. After spending six hours at Home Depot, I repotted my office plant- Sylvia- whom I have single-handedly kept alive for MANY months.
  2. I bought and assembled a carpet steamer, using my own hands, an instruction manual, and a twisty tool thingy.
  3. I framed my very important business card in order to prevent trolls from being confused about agency hierarchy.
  4. I became a man-hating Republican-loathing feminist. And I hope everyone with a dick gets fucked by a bleating hell goat.
  5. I kicked ass at a parent-teacher conference during which we discussed the disciplinary action taken against Penelope for pushing monopolist dumbasses off the slide. (I will not apologize for raising the poster-child for social Darwinism).
  6. And because I was too busy running the world, I missed a manicure appointment, wound up doing my own nails, and am admiring them as I sip the coffee that I brewed. By myself. Like the fucking boss that I am. You're welcome.