UNTITLED LIST

  1. It began when I realized the fine print in my contract, which craftily reads: "advise elected officials," didn't actually hit home until 2016. And apparently, I'm one of only two political advisors willing to give people the facts of life. That means being schlepped all over creation to be a bitch. See the following: http://youtu.be/iN7QcOCzUvE
  2. As the stress mounted, I became annoyed by everything. So I reduced my Facebook friends to 146. But let's be real, I can't stand more than five people. So it came to a halt when someone's profile picture popped up on my feed and I thought: "I don't like the juxtaposition of her picture and her status. It's aesthetically displeasing."
  3. At that point, I was all: "maybe it's me." So I delved into holistic medicine, hired a guru, and got all "granola" on everyone's ass.
  4. But then, one of my best friends got pregnant.
  5. And, shortly thereafter, The Enemy decided she couldn't handle 2016 and gave her two weeks notice. Basically, the professional equivalent of fibromyalgia. I believe she called it: "wanting a work-life balance."
  6. As a result of The Enemy's imminent departure, I am now stuck with all things Fourth Amendment, one of which I had to argue in a packed courtroom yesterday.
  7. IN that courtroom, I saw a portrait of Ex-Non-Significant-Other's godfather. So I had a minor relapse. And by "minor relapse," I mean "complete meltdown." I almost walked to Dirksen and proposed to him.
  8. Then, today, I had seven high-pressure meetings, one of which resulted in me being assigned THE current Illinois case. Yeah, you know the one. THAT case.
  9. So, if your question is whether I'm back for good, or whether you'll ever hear from me again. Well, your guess is as good as mine. But, at this point, I hope I get hit by a bus. Or, at the very least, kidnapped and sold to the highest bidder.