EMOTIONAL OUTLETS, RANKED FROM WORST TO BEST

  1. Physical exercise
    Pros: aerobic, healthy, slimming. Cons: exercise
  2. Movies that make you cry
    Definition/ examples: not necessarily miserable or bleak movies so much as heart-string-pulling ones: forrest gump, that stephen hawking movie probably, wall-e, frozen, the muppet christmas carol, whatever, shut up, like you're so tough. Pros: requires little effort. Cons: seems counterintuitive to try and make yourself cry
  3. Mindfulness/ meditation
    Just breathe evenly & slowly & calmly take everything around you without assessing anything negatively or positively. Look at the rug. Gray and fuzzy. Look at your desk. Lotta bills. Just neutral pieces of paper, if you think about it the right way. Look at the wall. Bare except for the killers concert poster from when you and sheila first got together, before everything went wr
  4. Dancing
    Pros: aerobic, get to listen to music, may lead to sex (see sex, subsection pros). Cons: risk of being a dork, risk of encountering douchebags, difficulty of finding a place free of douchebags, you can just listen to music at home, may lead to sex (see sex, subsection cons)
  5. Art
    Pros: might make something good, potential for critical adulation, permission to "act like an artist" i.e. Carte blanche to be insufferably flaky, sexually irresponsible, pompous e.g. Using the phrase "carte blanche," emotionally unpredictable (see just wearing your heart on your sleeve all the time, subsection pros). Cons: no money in it
  6. Sex
    Definition/ examples: fucking. Pros: physically pleasurable, potential to connect with another human on a non-sexual, like spiritual level. Cons: getting someone to enthusiastically agree to do it with you has potential for substantial heartbreak and loss of self-esteem and tends to consist of a great deal of weird, performative mind games and complex, arbitrary rules, which seem to change and grow over time, risk of stds
  7. Cons of sex continued
    Risk of experiencing jealousy, risk of having to feign confidence and over- or under-shooting it, risk of some failure to perform sexually for whatever reason, risk of waking up to find your sexual partner has been brutally murdered & you're the only suspect, risk of falling for someone then realizing your families have been at war with each other for generations/ you are a wolfman & he or she is a dracula/ you are both hyper-ambitious lawyers whose high-profile clients are suing each other
  8. Masturbation
    Definition/ examples: the loner's delight, conjuring the boner dragon, the headbanger's ball, yelping. Pros: physically pleasurable, usually not difficult. Cons: risk of being walked in on, risk of being late for work, difficulty in finding the right pornography or in conjuring the right sexual fantasy without your mind trailing off in any number of directions that result in diminished sexual arousal, anxiety, horror at one's own creepy imagination, misery, anger, etc
  9. Karaoke
    Pros: exhilarating, cathartic, get to pretend to be a rock star, everyone is equally making a fool of him or herself so it's the people who refuse to make fools of themselves who actually look bad. Cons: risk of bombing, risk of technical difficulties, responsibility for one's own bad song choice or egregious lack of ability
  10. Mischief
    Pros: hilarious, creative, victim might deserve it i.e. Justice. Cons: risk of arrest, risk of getting your ass kicked. Definition/ examples: setting live cockroaches loose in your best friend's mother's house, each of which has a cryptic message written on it, having the band maroon 5 on when someone comes over
  11. Imbibing
    Definition/ examples: consumable vices such as alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, unhealthy foods eaten in excess. Pros: pleasurable, cool in all cases except overeating, even suffering from resultant addiction is cool on some level. Cons: habit-forming, unhealthy, can result in various forms of bad physical appearance or smell
  12. Just wearing your heart on your sleeve all the time
    Pros: immediate gratification or catharsis, might make people less inclined to fuck with you or even ask you to do things, honesty. Cons: might make people hate you, you could get your ass kicked, if you're not practiced in it your attempts at assertiveness might only result in derisive laughter from the other party, the gateway drug of honesty leads to the harder drugs of cruelty, over-sensitivity, hysteria and theatricality. This is #1 but it is by no means ideal.