STARWIPE PACKET

Around Oscars season, I submitted some sample Starwipe-style jokes to try and write for them when they were hiring. Here are the ones I think still hold up:
  1. LGBTQ Win! Franchise Responsible for Jar Jar Binks, the Jawas, and Watto to Include Gay Characters
  2. Salma Hayek Reports Dog Murder with Irresistible Charisma, Charm
  3. Yoko Ono Hospitalized, Put on Strict Regimen of Floating in Gelatin and Whispering Secrets to Birds
  4. Mysterious, Untouchable Organization Accused of Wrongdoing Just Wild About "Spotlight"
  5. Both of Ben Affleck's Exes Fail to Be Wowed by Fuckin' Wicked Sweet Firebird Tat
  6. Amazing! Some Internet Genius Showed Us What These Actresses Would Look Like Without Flaws!
    (Just a bunch of airbrushed magazine covers)
  7. Everyone Did a Perfectly Fine Job Live-Tweeting the Oscars
    (Series of fake generic tweets like "what a beautiful dress!" from normal-looking fake accounts, with captions about how they tried their best and were just having fun and doing it for their friends)