TIMES I HAVE THROWN UP IN PUBLIC SOBER

  1. 1. Bus trip from New york to virginia, eighth grade. I don't think i even ate anything bad. I wasn't reading, which can sometimes make me carsick. Maybe i was actually coming down with something, but also sometimes you get scared that you're going to get sick, and that nervousness makes it worse.
    A girl sat next to me that i and everyone else in the class felt contempt for. She said things like, "i'm basically not white because my family's irish," a statement even a white child in 2000 could sense the audacious dickishness of. After i came back from being sick in the bathroom, she kicked me out of my own seat for smelling like vomit and i obliged.
  2. (I think that is the most embarrassing because out of a group of eighth grade theater kids-- in which there was of course a hierarchy of grossness, from cool kids with abercrombie shirts and gel in their hair to Not White Irish and Vomit Jones [those are going to be the names of my race horses one day],
    and with the first girl to suck anyone's dick somewhere in the middle of the list-- I was the least in control of my physical body). Humiliation ranking: 9.8/10
  3. 2. King's dominion amusement park halloween haunt, 2008: i was on one of those numbers that spins you around in your seat while at the same time turning the row of seats up and down in the air.
    A very comprehensive wikipedia page on the subject tells me this is called a "top spin," which sounds like the name of a filthy website you might put on your friend's computer to get him or her in trouble, but not as much as these other names the page listed: "wind shear," "waikiki wave super flip," "super nova," and "discovery."
  4. Those names also sound like the kind of impossible sex moves your friend might tell you about on the bus in eighth grade, if you had any friends on the bus in eighth grade.
  5. Either this particular ride was especially nausea-inducing or my friends and i just weren't accustomed to the effects of the waikiki wave super flip-- i looked over and my friend kaitlin was crying.
    What terms does your dad use for vomiting? Mine favors "to blow chunks," "to call for Earl on the porcelain phone," and "to do a Technicolor yawn."
  6. One of the carnies made fun of me. Beyond that, this is not as humiliating as some of the other ones because shouting at your shoes comes with the territory. 4/10
  7. BART, May 2012: i was with two classmates, Chance and Elizabeth, on our way back from a post-last day of class get-together. I had had one beer and one sake, so I was sober but this is still a bad mix, and i'd also had way too many snacks. I would have stepped off the train but it was the last one of the evening from san francisco to the east bay,
    And i would have had to take the bus back if i missed the last train. Just as Chance was remarking that I looked a little green, a fountain of chunder spewed out of me in a way Elizabeth would describe later as "cherubic," like one of those statues. Everyone on the train scattered. I ended up puking on a letter a professor had written for Chance to apply to the Iowa writer's workshop. Humiliation ranking: 7.5/10
  8. San Francisco, september 2012: i got food poisoning from a local pizza chain i won't mention, but the name of which implies that the pizza used to reside in new york but was forced out for being so horrible, like a dork on the bus in middle school. Let's just say i ate from this place and then the pizza had to "escape from" my mouth,
    And then i had to "escape from" the bus. To be fair, i had to have the weird artichoke slice that had probably been sitting out all day because nobody ordered it rather than a normal slice that would be more likely to be fresh. I got on the train with Amanda and then kept having to get off and hurl again. At one of the stops, a lady kept talking to us about crimes she'd witnessed nearby. 6/10