THAT ONE TIME THE BUREAU THOUGHT I WAS RUNNING A MAJOR COCAINE RING OUT OF MY HOUSE

  1. So I'm a food blogger.
  2. And I buy a lot of stuff on Amazon.
  3. Which means we get a lot of packages delivered to our house.
  4. No big deal.
  5. One day, two years ago, I woke up with several missed calls and one voicemail on my phone.
  6. The voicemail went something like this:
    "Hi Courtney. This is Agent Scott with the Ohio Bureau of Criminal Investigations. We have some questions for you. Could you please call us back as soon as possible?"
  7. That woke me up quickly.
  8. My husband was scheduled to have his wisdom teeth out that morning so we were rushing to get out of the house. I called the agent back on our way to the surgeons.
  9. The agent informed me they had confiscated a suspicious package that was addressed to me.
  10. They asked me a series of questions about whether I was expecting a package, if I knew the address of the sender, and how much I thought any expected packages would weigh.
  11. The thing is, 'm nearly always expecting a package, but I had no idea who this particular one might be from. Even if I had known the client, there's no way I would've known the address or weight.
  12. I did a terrible job fumbling through my answers, giving them what I'm sure they thought sounded like a made up story about me being a food blogger and receiving a lot of "product" from "clients."
    When I answered one question, my husband actually mouth-yelled at me, "Don't say product!! They definitely think you're a drug dealer."
  13. Clearly I did nothing to convince the agents I was innocent, so they asked me if they could come to my house and have me open the package in front of them.
  14. I agreed, but told them I would need to wait until after my husband got out of surgery.
  15. It wasn't until we were driving home that I started to freak out a little. What if there really was cocaine in the box? What if I was being set up? Would they arrest me on the spot? Would I spend the prime of my life in prison?
  16. The agents arrived that afternoon to the sight of my husband totally doped up on the couch and loopy from post-surgery drugs. I'm sure this helped my case.
  17. They brought the box in. It was an average size but quite heavy.
  18. I began to sweat a little as they handed me the box cutter to open it.
  19. I sliced through and peeked inside, holding my breath.
  20. It was....SUGAR.
  21. 30 pounds of sugar from Dixie Crystals, one of the clients I work for.
  22. I heaved a huge sigh of relief and we all had a good laugh over it. Turns out, the agents were very friendly guys and even knew my parents.
  23. I promised to make them some cookies with the "product," then they left.
  24. Just like that, my brush with the law ended and I was just a regular old food blogger with 30 lbs of sugar.